| How to Change Your Name in California Posted: 18 May 2016 05:00 PM PDT You may want to change your name for many reasons. You might have recently been married or divorced, undergone gender reassignment or just want to legally have a different name. Whatever the reason, you can follow these steps to help you change your name successfully if you are a California resident. EditChanging Your Name After Marriage or Divorce - Get a marriage license. Once you fill out a marriage license, you need to submit it to get certified by the state. Once you send it in, it should take about two weeks to receive the certified license in the mail. This will be the legal document you show to all the relevant agencies in order to change your name.[1]
- Go to the Social Security Office. Once you have the certified version of your marriage license, you need to go to the Social Security Office (SSO). You will need to take your marriage license and a valid form of ID such as a driver's license or passport. You will also have to fill out the Social Security SS-5 Form. Once they approve your documentation, you will receive a form that states your name is officially changed.
- To save time, you can fill out the SS-5 Form ahead of time. You can find it on the SSO website at: http://www.socialsecurity.gov/forms/ss-5.pdf
- You can also send in copies of the SS-5 Form and your documentation to the SSO. They will process it and send you your new social security card by mail.[2]
- Visit the DMV. Once you have the form from the SSO, you can go to the DMV and get the name of your driver's license changed. You should take your marriage license, the form from the SSO or your new card if you have already received it, and your old license. When you get there, fill out a Driver License or Identification Card Application (DL 44). The DMV will take your picture and thumbprint you. You will also have to pay an application fee.
- The DMV will take care of the paperwork and give you a temporary driver's license. You will be able to use this one until your permanent copy arrives.[3][4]
- Change your name after a divorce. If you want to change your name because of divorce, you need to contact the County Clerk's Office where you filed your divorce. Give them your case number, your case name, and the date of the judgement, order, or filing. Also include a copy of the Notice of Entry of Judgment, Form FL-190. You also must complete the Ex Parte Application for Restoration of Former Name After Entry of Judgment and Order, which is Form FL-395. The process should take 2-4 weeks to process.
- These forms are available on the California Court's website. You can enter the form numbers at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/forms.htm
- Your case name is the name of the parties involved.[5]
EditChanging Your Name for Other Reasons - Fill out the Petition for Change of Name form. The form that you must fill out to legally change your name in California is the Petition for Change of Name form, or the NC-100. On the form, you have to include your name, your attorney's name if you have one, your address and your phone number. You should also include the mailing address of the court where you will file your petition and the court's branch name. You must answer all questions and check all boxes on form NC-100. Provide your present name and your new name. Make two copies of this form.
- The questions on the form are basic person information questions, such as name, address, residence, phone number, e-mail, and what your new name will be.
- The form has additional lines if you are changing the names of others, such as a child or a near relative.
- You may get the form NC-100 at the superior clerk of court's office or from the California Courts' website at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/nc100.pdf
- You can get the court's branch name by asking at the clerk's office or by checking online to locate a court in your county. You can also find the superior court near you, travel directions and phone numbers online at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/find-my-court.htm[6]
- Fill out the Attachment to Petition form.[7] This form, also known as the form NC-110, gives the court information about the person whose name is being changed. You will be asked to provide your current name, where you were born, your current address, and the reason for the name change. You can get form NC-110 at the clerk's office or on the California Courts' website at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/nc110.pdf
- You should make two copies of this form as well.[6]
- Fill out the Order to Show Cause for Change of Name form. This form, also known as the form NC-120, also is required for a name change in California. The form does not require you to give any new information, but simply asks that you list your current name and proposed new name. This form is available at the clerk's office or can be accessed online from the California Courts' website at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/nc120.pdf
- You should make two copies of this form.[6]
- Fill out the Civil Case Cover Sheet form. This form, also known as the form CSM-010, acts as a cover page for your name change petition. You can get this form at the clerk's office or online at the California Courts' website at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/documents/cm010.pdf
- Check for any other required forms. You should request a list of any other forms required by the court in the county of your residence. This can include criminal background checks. The court that is located in your county typically distributes lists from the court clerk's office. All of the required paperwork must be completed before the official filing and request for a hearing date at the court in the county of your residence.
- Some county branches provide a link to the required list on the court's website.[6]
- File the forms. You need to file the forms with the California Superior Court. You also need to pay the required filing fees. You can locate the appropriate branch where you should file your paperwork by using the California Court listing on the main website at: http://www.courts.ca.gov/find-my-court.htm[Image:Change Your Name in California Step 5 Version 4.jpg|center]]
- Remember to request a date for your name change hearing when you file the forms.
- Purchase a legal advertisement. When you change your name, you have to buy a legal advertisement in a newspaper in your county. You have to publish the Order to Show Cause for Change of Name once per week for four weeks. This is all the information that was requested in form NC-120. Your advertisement must include your current name and the name you are changing it to. It also has to include detailed information about the hearing, including the address of the court, the department and room, and the date and time of the official hearing.
- Ask the clerk of courts for a list of newspapers where you may publish a valid legal ad. The cost of the ad will vary from paper to paper.[6]
- Attend your hearing. Most name-change hearings are fairly straightforward. If the judge asks you any questions about your reasons for changing your name, answer clearly and honestly. Bring all of your documentation to your hearing. This includes proof that you published the advertisement for the required amount of time. If the judge approves your request, you'll be given a name change court order, probably by your local civil court clerk.
- If the judge denies your request, get a copy of the denial and try again.
- Either way, you need to make a copy for your records.[6]
- Understand how to change your gender along with your name. If you are changing your name because you have recently changed your gender, you no longer have to file any separate official paperwork with the State of California. You can simply change your gender with the State Registrar. You do this by petitioning for a new birth certificate from the Registrar. You must have a signed statement from your physician indicating that you underwent appropriate treatment for gender transition.
- Once you file the petition, the Registrar will hold a hearing and judge the validity of the physician's letter. Once it is approved, your new birth certificate will be available within 30 days.
- Once you get your new birth certificate, you can continue with the proceeding to change your name.
- This is only true if you were born in the State of California. If you were born in another state, you have additional forms you have to fill out.[8][9]
EditChanging Your Documents and Information - Get a new Social Security card. Once you legally changed your name, you need to get a new Social Security card. You can take your court order to the Social Security Administration (SSA) office. You will also need your birth certificate, a photo ID (such as a driver's license, passport or state ID), and a completed application for a new Social Security card. You can find this application online at: http://www.socialsecurity.gov/online/ss-5.pdf. You should get your new card in the mail within 10 days after you visit the office.
- If you can't go to the office, you can mail in a certified copy of the application and all required information to the SSA.[10]
- Obtain a new driver's license. Once you have a new Social Security card, you will also need a new driver's license to reflect your name change. You have to visit your local DMV to obtain a new driver's license. You should take your new Social Security card, your court order and your old driver's license or state ID. Once you arrive, you have to fill out a Driver License or Identification Card Application (DL 44). You will have your picture taken, get your thumbprint taken and pay an application fee. The DMV will then process the paperwork and give you a temporary driver's license to use until your new one arrives.[11]
- Change your name on all your other documentation. After you change your federal and state issued IDs, you need to change your name on your other important accounts and documents, including your bank accounts, credit cards, leases or mortgages, car titles, voter registration and your U.S. passport. You also need to change your name at places of business that you frequent, including your files at any medical or dental offices and on post office boxes.
- Now that all your documentation is in order, you can start using your new name. Introduce yourself with your new name and use it to sign checks and other documents.
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| How to Deal With Racist Parents Posted: 18 May 2016 09:00 AM PDT It can be painful if your parents are racist. Oftentimes, your parents may not see themselves as racist and may be defensive if you use that term. They may also come from older cultural backgrounds, where certain stereotypes were the accepted norm and even thought of as positive. For example, your parents may think it's acceptable to say things like, "Asians are really smart." You need to be able to effectively express yourself to your parents regarding their racism and why it bothers you. EditExpressing Your Issues - Catch the behavior in the moment. In any difficult confrontation, people may feel attacked if you bring up incidents from the past. If your parents say something that comes off as racist or insensitive, talk to them about as soon as you can. It's best to address such things in the moment but this isn't always possible. If you're in public, for example, it might be hard to catch. If you can't address the issue immediately, bring it up later in the day or the next day.
 - Hold your parents accountable for their words and actions. If they say or do something racist in your presence, try to address it immediately. Ask them to clarify what they meant. Focus on your parents' words and behavior rather than their character as a whole. Never make it personal. Saying "You're racist" will only lead to defensiveness and resentment. Instead, try saying "that statement makes a lot of assumptions", or "saying that lumps every person of one color together". You will likely face resistance, but if you want your parents to be open to change you need to step up and address the issue at hand.[1]
- Let's say your parents said some racist things about your friend. Start off by saying, "Can we please talk about some of the conversation around the dinner table?" Share what was stated in a tactful way to minimize the chances of your parents going on the defensive. For instance, you could say, "I know you meant well when you stated that Asians are really smart, but it hurt Kyoko's feelings when you saw her according to her skin color rather than the person she is inside."
- Then listen to your parents' viewpoint. They most likely don't realize that their statements are hurtful, or perhaps they just don't know a lot about a different culture. This is your chance to educate your parents and to understand where they're coming from.
- You can suggest ways for your parents to converse if they feel uncomfortable with spending time with people from other cultures. Encourage them to ask questions rather than make statements. For instance, they could ask, "Does your family follow traditions from your culture? What traditions do you follow?"
- Address specific behaviors. When talking to someone about his racism, it's best to focus on specific behaviors. While you may be tempted to slam your parents for their character, keep in mind people are more receptive when you address their language and actions rather than dismantling their fundamental character.
- Remember the difference between a "What You Did" conversation and a "What You Are" conversation. In a "What You Did" conversation, you'll bring up your parents' specific words and actions and why they were unacceptable to you. A "What You Are" conversation draws conclusions about your parents' fundamental character based on their actions. Even if you sincerely feel these conclusions are true, it may not be effective to address this. Your parents will resent that you're speculating on their character instead of focusing on the facts of the conversation at hand.[2]
- Remember, just telling your parents they're racist allows them the opportunity to get off easy. They can easily derail such a conversation by denying that you know their internal character. Even if you're right, if you want to effectively address their racism, stay in the present moment and focus on specific, immediate actions.[3]
- Prepare for defensiveness. Even when talking about specific behavior, and focusing on actions over character, people in general do not take well to such conversations. People tend to deeply personalize accusations that their words or actions were racist.[4]
- If your parents do get defensive at the word "racist," then you can avoid the label and still get your point across. Focus on the behavior and why it was offensive without using the word "racist" to avoid triggering defensiveness in your parents.
- Do not allow your parents to derail the conversation.[5] Even if you frame the issue correctly, you may get responses like, "I'm not racist." If your parents say this, respond by focusing on he effect the statement has had on a person they spoke with, or the potential effect the statement can have on a person. You might say something like, "What you said made her feel like you don't see her for who she truly is, but as a stereotype."
- There is no easy way to talk about racism. Keep in mind defensiveness is inevitable. Go into the situation expecting your parents to be defensive so you're not surprised when you're met with resistance.[6]
- Use "I" statements. In any difficult conversation, using "I" statements can be helpful. These are statements that place focus on your emotional reaction to a situation. This avoids coming off as if you're making an objective judgment call. Even if you're in the right in the situation, passing judgments rarely results in resolving issues.
 - Instead of expressing your opinions on the situation as facts, focus on your own feelings. It will be more difficult for your parents to dismantle your claims when you're speaking in terms of your own worldview.[7]
- Sentences should begin with "I feel..." and go from there. Do not use statements like, "You make me feel..." or "It makes me feel..." as this is pointing at a cause for your emotion. You want to avoid doing so as it can come off as blaming, which will make your parents feel judged and unwilling to change their ways. Instead of saying, "The way you treated my friend at dinner embarrassed me" say "I feel embarrassed about the interaction between you and my friend at dinner. I think you really hurt her feelings and I felt really upset."[8]
- Your parents may be more receptive to this approach. Even if they do not fully understand their underlying racism, they might at least be willing to change for the sake of your feelings. This is a start when it comes to addressing racism. If they ask what they can do differently, say something like, "Please don't comment on my friend's appearance anymore."[9]
- Model positive behavior. Oftentimes, the best way to deal with racist parents is to model good behavior for them. Be very conscientious about how you talk about different cultures and people of different races. Try to show your parents, rather than telling them, why embracing diversity is important.
- Share with your parents the ways that your friends have helped you push your boundaries and helped you gain new perspective.
- Avoid stereotyping.
EditAvoiding Negativity - Try to understand your parents' racism. While it can be hard to be understanding in regards to racist beliefs, try to get inside your parents' heads. Racism is a systemic issue very prevalent in many societies. It is often subtle and many people are unaware their actions and words have racist undertones.
 - The way people of color are portrayed in the media is often subtly racist. Words used to describe people of color, for example, are often riddled with outdated and offensive terminology. This is a phenomenon that does not just occur in hate speech but in well-known publications such as The New York Times. Over time, a person's perspective can be skewed without their knowing it by the perpetuation of stereotypes in the media. While this does not excuse racism, it can help you better understand your parents.[10]
- Oftentimes, people are blind to their own racism. As already discussed, people get very defensive when it comes to discussions of race. Therefore, subtle racism often goes unchecked. Your parents may be unable to see their own racist viewpoints. You can work your best to point out your parents' racism, but try to understand how subtle racism really is and why it's so difficult to get people who harbor racist beliefs to change.[11]
- For instance, the media often demonizes black victims and can actually appear sympathetic to whites suspected of serious crimes, including mass shootings.[12]
- Disengage in conversations that cause you discomfort. At a certain point, you have to accept the fact that racism is a deep-seated belief system that's difficult to change. You should seek to develop a no-tolerance policy regarding racist comments, especially if discussing them with your parents takes an emotional toll on you.
- If your parents try to bait you into an argument, do not engage. Acknowledge their feelings, and promptly move on to another topic.
- It is very difficult for people to change their ingrained beliefs. Sometimes the best thing you can hope for is that they will eventually evolve to become less racist. Angry words, incrimination, accusations, and withdrawal will be of no avail and will only fuel more resentment. Instead, if you simply tell your parents how much you love them and how much you appreciate everything they've done for you, they are more likely to reconsider their beliefs after they've had more time. After all, they love you as much as you love them. Also, try to recruit other family members who are more sympathetic to your beliefs, and have a conversation with them to see how they may be able to lend their support.[13]
- Recognize failure is likely. Keep in mind it is very rare that people change their viewpoints, especially if they're set in age. It is very likely approaching your parents about their racism will do nothing to change the problem. However, addressing certain behaviors is still important. Racism is able to sustain itself because people often remain silent and do not want to force uncomfortable discussions. Silence is sometimes seen as an endorsement or acceptance of racist viewpoints. Make sure you make it clear to your parents that you do not agree with their point of view. While the conversation may end poorly, you still need to have it.[14]
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| How to Become Stronger Emotionally Posted: 18 May 2016 01:00 AM PDT Have you been finding that you cry at the drop of a hat? Get angry unnecessarily? Maybe you just feel nervous all the time. Whatever you may be feeling, you should begin by understanding that experiencing emotions is a normal part of human living. There is nothing inherently "wrong" with any emotion.[1] You do not have to eliminate or ignore your feelings to handle them.[2] Becoming emotionally stronger is much like building physical strength. Begin slowly, be consistent, build endurance, and keep it up. EditCoping in the Moment - Stop what you're doing and re-focus. In the heat of an emotional moment, it can be easy to get swept up by what you're feeling. If the emotion is positive, it can feel great, but if it is a feeling of sadness or anxiety, it can quickly spiral out of control. Take a break from whatever is going on and focus on your body's five senses. This will help remind you of the present, and can help anxiety or anger from storming out of control.[3]
 - Try taking stock of your body's reactions, but don't judge them. For example, if you're feeling anxious all of a sudden, think about what your body is feeling. "My skin feels hot. My heart is beating really fast. I am breathing shallowly. My hands feel shaky." Don't focus on these feelings. Just notice them and then let them pass.[4]
- Refocusing on your present moment may also help you reduce "automatic reactivity." Your brain forms habits of reacting to stimuli, including emotional experiences. The brain instantly activates these patterns whenever that stimulus, such as anxiety or anger, occurs. Shifting your focus back to your present sensory experience breaks that circuit in your brain. If you practice this shifting consistently, it will become a new "habit" for your brain.[5]
- "Self-observation," the practice of paying attention to your own mind's awareness and experience, can help you tease out the multiple things that may be happening within a single experience. For example, many people are unaware that "awareness" actually consists of many information paths. Often, we experience an emotional reaction as a jumble of feelings and sensory experiences that can feel overwhelming. Slowing down and refocusing on some experience in the present, such as what you're seeing, hearing, and smelling, can help you restructure your brain's old habits and learn to see these different "information streams."[6]
- Breathe. When your body experiences an intense emotion, it can react with a "stress response." This "fight or flight" feeling happens when your sympathetic nervous system is activated by hormones like adrenaline. Your heart rate skyrockets, your breathing gets faster and shallower, and your muscles feel tight and tense.[7] Breathing deeply can help relax you and help you return to "normal."[8][9]
- Breathe from your abdomen, not your chest. You should feel the lower part of your belly expand when you inhale and fall as you exhale.[10]
- To help you, place one hand on your chest and the other on your abdomen. Stand upright, lie flat, or sit straight to keep your chest open. Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose. Feel your lungs and abdomen expand as you breathe in. Then, exhale through your nose or mouth. Aim for 6-10 deep breaths per minute.[11]
- Focus on taking slow, deep breaths. This will provide oxygen to your body (and help distract you from your current emotional state).[12]
- Smile. It may seem cheesy at first, but research has showed that the act of smiling can actually make you feel more positive.[13]
- Smiling can also decrease stress. Try to smile using all your facial muscles, not just the ones around your mouth. Smiles that spread across your face and up to your eyes feel more natural, which increases your body's feeling of positivity.[14]
- Use visualization. Visualizing a calming, relaxing experience can help you regain control over your emotional responses.[15] You may find that this technique takes a little practice, but it can help you transform stressing thoughts into thoughts you feel more comfortable handling.[16]
 - Begin by choosing your "safe place." This can be any place you can imagine that you find relaxing and peaceful. It could be a beach, a spa, a mountaintop, or any place you think will help you feel safe and relaxed.
- Find a place to practice visualization. If you can, find a quiet, comfortable place to use your visualization. It should be a place where you will not be interrupted for a few minutes.
- Close your eyes and imagine yourself in your safe place. Imagine what it looks like. What is going on there? What does it smell like? What sounds do you hear? Try to immerse yourself in your safe place.
- Breathe slowly and evenly. Try to relax muscles if you feel they're tense. If you feel awkward or anxious, don't judge yourself for that. Just try to imagine yourself in your calming place and what it feels like to relax.
- Imagine your negative emotion as a physical object. You may feel strange trying this at first, but keep with it. Imagine that negative feeling as something that you can remove from your visualized safe place. For example, you might imagine that your anger is a flame. Flames can't burn without oxygen. Imagine that anger as a flame and watch it as it sputters out. Or, you could imagine a feeling of stress as a stick. You can throw that stick far away from your safe beach and imagine that stress leaving you as it goes.
- Learn how to manage stress. When you get stressed out, you may find that don't have as much control over your emotions. While it is nearly impossible to cut all stressful things from your life, you can learn how to deal with the stress that those things create. Some ways to calm yourself in really stressful situations include:[17]
- Taking five deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose, hold the air in your body for a moment, and then out through your mouth. Focusing on your breath will help you gather yourself and calm your nerves.
- Counting to 10. If something stressful happens, give yourself 10 seconds to gather yourself. To extend the length of time, count 'one Mississippi, two Mississippi, 3….etc.'
- Walking away from the situation. Doing this does not mean you will not handle the situation--it simply allows you to get away, breathe, and consider the options. If you are dealing with a person who is stressing you out, tell him or her that you need a moment to collect your thoughts and that you are going for a walk.
- Learn to recognize cognitive distortions. In the moment, it can be easy to get caught up in habitual ways of responding to an emotion, even when they're unhealthy. These responses often work together to leave you feeling loaded down by your feelings. Learning to recognize some common "traps" that you might fall into can help you become more emotionally resilient. Catastrophizing, overgeneralizing, and all-or-nothing thinking are three common distortions.[18]
- Recognize and challenge Catastrophizing. This happens when an event or experience -- usually insignificant -- gets blown out of proportion. Your thoughts begin to spiral out of control until you end up at the absolute worst-case scenario. This can lead you to feeling angry, sad, or anxious.[19]
- For example, imagine that you call your romantic partner and s/he doesn't answer the phone. You call back in a few minutes and get voicemail again. A catastrophizing thought might start snowballing: "S/he isn't answering the phone. S/he's probably mad at me. I don't even know what I did wrong. S/he isn't telling me what I did wrong. S/he doesn't want to talk to me. Maybe s/he is bored with me."
- Challenge catastrophizing thoughts by not letting your mind jump from one thought to the next until you've examined the evidence for your assumption. For example, in this example, a good challenge could look like this: "My partner isn't answering the phone. S/he wasn't mad at me earlier today, so s/he probably isn't mad at me now. If s/he is, I can ask her/him about it later and talk things through." You could also remind yourself that people have many logical reasons for not answering the phone at any particular moment: being occupied, driving, not seeing/hearing the phone, etc.[20]
- Recognize and challenge Overgeneralization. Overgeneralizing happens when you make a general statement about a specific situation. This can lead you to holding unhealthy (and inaccurate) beliefs about yourself.[21]
- For example, imagine that you are not offered a job after having an interview. A generalizing view of this could be something like, "I'm such a loser. I really screwed up that interview. I'm never going to get a job."
- Challenge overgeneralizing thoughts by sticking to the evidence and specifics. You have no evidence to suggest you're a "loser." The usual reasons for not getting a job are that your skills aren't the right match for the company, or your personality might not mesh with others there. Maybe you did botch the interview, maybe you didn't. This specific incident, however, does not apply to every facet of you as a person. Think about the situation as specifically as possible, and focus on what you can do to change the specifics in the future: "I don't think I did a great job at that interview. I was really nervous. Next time, I will practice with a friend before I go in for an interview."[22]
- Recognize and challenge All-or-nothing thinking. With all-or-nothing thinking, you don't allow yourself (or, sometimes, anyone else) to land in the middle. If things are not perfect, they're a failure. All-or-nothing thinking can make useful critique hard to handle. It can also lead you to feel sad or worthless about yourself because you're holding yourself to an impossible, unproductive standard.[23]
- For example, consider that you are on a diet. You go out for lunch with a friend, and you end up having a piece of cake for dessert. An all-or-nothing response would see this as a failure, and could lead to harsh judgments of yourself: "I totally blew my diet with this cake. I knew I couldn't handle this new plan. I guess I should just eat anything I want."
- Challenge all-or-nothing thinking by treating yourself compassionately. Would you harshly judge a friend for eating a slice of cake? Unlikely. So why would you do that to yourself? Avoid looking success as either/or, where everything has to go perfectly to achieve success. Try looking at success as and, an ongoing process of growth and change: "I ate that piece of cake, which won't help me with my diet goals, and this isn't a catastrophe. I'll eat a healthy dinner to get myself back on track."[24]
EditKnowing and Loving Yourself - Accept vulnerability. Developing emotional strength is not the same as becoming invulnerable. In fact, vulnerability is crucial in developing your ability to connect with others and to fully experience and accept yourself.[25] Vulnerability means being open to experiences, and also accepting that they may not work out as you hope.
- Without vulnerability, it is hard to be open to experiences that have a fundamental element of uncertainty to them, such as love, trust, creativity.[26]
- Try to reject perfectionism. Perfectionism is often confused with healthy ambition or a desire for excellence. In reality, perfectionism often comes from a fear of vulnerability, the desire to "be perfect" so that we don't experience loss or fear. Perfectionism holds you to an impossible standard and demands that you get others' praise. Vulnerability will allow you to strive for success and achievement while understanding that setbacks happen.[27]
- Discover your core beliefs. In order to become stronger emotionally, you have to understand what your thoughts about yourself and the world are. These thoughts have grown up over time and shape your emotional responses. Sometimes, core beliefs are too rigid and can hold you back from developing emotional strength.[28]
- Look for beliefs that use words such as always or never. Most situations in life are somewhere on a scale. Maintaining core beliefs that rely on all-or-nothing thinking can keep you stuck trying to live up to an impossible standard.
- For example, consider how you believe about responsibility. Do you believe you are responsible for your actions and behavior? That's healthy and helpful. Do you also believe you are responsible for others' actions and behavior? It's common to believe that we have the responsibility to manage the experiences and behavior of everyone around us as well as our own, but that's actually a fallacy.[29]
- Examine the "shoulds" in your life. The phrase "shoulding on yourself" was invented by psychologist Clayton Barbeau to describe the cognitive distortion of feeling like you are obligated to do something. It usually happens when you compare your actions or feelings to an external standard.[30] When you use "should" statements, you can end up feeling guilty and ashamed of yourself, instead of having the energy to change your behavior in ways that satisfy your values. When faced with "should" thoughts, examine why you feel like you "should" do this or that. [31]
- For example, if you are considering going on a diet because you "should" lose weight, think about why you "should" do that. Is it because you have a particular health goal in mind? Has your doctor talked with you about your weight? Do you want to look a certain way? Or do you feel this "should" because you feel pressured by others to look or behave a certain way?
- Society often pressures individuals with many "shoulds" that we may feel we need to conform to: You should look like the people in magazines. You should wear a certain clothes size. You should have a lot of/no sex. You should be happy. You should be a "good" partner/parent/sibling/student/employee/employer. Giving in to that pressure from others, rather than doing things for ourselves because they align with our values, can leave us feeling emotionally wiped out.
- Practice self-compassion. Sometimes, people feel emotionally weak because fears have crowded out other thoughts about themselves, such as being worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness. These fears contribute to anxiety ("Will others accept me?") and depression ("I'm not worth anything"). Practicing self-compassion will help you learn to love and accept yourself, and that will make it easier for you to become stronger in your emotional interactions with others.[32] According to psychologists, self-compassion involves three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.[33]
- Practice Self-kindness. This is the opposite of self-criticism. We're often taught to strive for perfection, and that a lack of perfection is a failure. However, it's much kinder to view yourself (and others) as a "work in progress." Research has actually showed that perfectionism can hold you back from true achievement.[34][35]
- Emotional strength comes from extending to ourselves the same understanding that we would to a friend. After all, if a close friend made a mistake, you would probably acknowledge the wrongdoing but still respond with forgiveness and love. Try doing this for yourself, too.
- Acknowledge Common humanity. This is the opposite of self-isolation. It can be easy to believe that we are the only ones who have experienced pain from our mistakes and life experiences, as though nobody else has experienced the same grief or done something as wrong as we have. Acknowledging your common humanity means recognizing that pain and suffering are part of the shared human experience, and that allows you to approach your own experiences with less judgment.[36]
- For example, it can be easy to lapse into negative self-talk that isolates you and your experience from others, e.g., "Nobody could ever be interested in me because I'm such a failure." This language unfairly totalizes: you are not "a failure" simply because you may fail at something. It also does not acknowledge that everyone fails from time to time. It holds you to a higher standard than anyone else, which isn't fair to you (or them).[37]
- Instead, try reframing this self-talk. "I did not accomplish such-and-such a goal when I had planned to. Everyone has setbacks from time to time, including me."
- Practice Mindfulness. Mindfulness is the opposite of self-absorption. Rather than getting stuck in a cycle of denying or focusing on negative emotions, mindfulness allows you to recognize and accept all of your feelings, without judgment, as you experience them.
- For example, if you frequently experience the thought, "I'm so unattractive, nobody will ever want to be in a relationship with me," try reframing it through a mindfulness lens: "I am experiencing the thought that I'm unattractive. This is just one of many thoughts and feelings that I'll experience today."
- Another good technique is to practice mindfulness meditation. This type of meditation is focused on being "unconditionally present," i.e., aware and accepting of what is going on at that moment. It can help alleviate anxiety and can help you be more aware of how you experience yourself.[38]
- The UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center offers free guided meditations to download online.[39] These are organized according to situation -- body awareness, sleep preparation, etc. -- and run between 3 and 19 minutes. There are also several mobile apps, such as Calm, that provide guided mini-meditations.
- Identify your "best possible self." Several studies have shown that visualizing your "best possible self" increases feelings of positivity and well-being.[40] Identifying your best possible self requires two basic actions: visualizing the "future" you that has achieved your goals, and considering what characteristics you will need to employ (or develop) to get you there.[41]
 - Start by imagining a time in the future where you are the "you" that you want to be. Consider what would be the most meaningful developments to you. (It's important that this is the self you want to be, not one you feel pressured or like you "ought" to be.)
- Visualize your best possible self in a positive way. Imagine all the details of the situation. You can think of this as imagining a life dream, a milestone, or other big goal for yourself. For example, if your best possible self is an entrepreneur with her own successful business, imagine what that looks like. How many employees do you have? What type of boss are you? How much do you work? What do you sell or invent?
- Write down the details of this visualization. Think about what characteristics your best self is using in this imagined scenario. For example, if you are running a business, you will likely need creativity, problem-solving, networking skills, and perseverance.
- Think about what characteristics you already have. You'll probably surprise yourself! Then, think about which characteristics need further development. Imagine ways you can build those skills and traits.
- It's very important that this not turn into an exercise in self-judgment. Don't judge yourself for where you are now! Instead, imagine you are who you wish to be.
- Don't take things personally. You cannot control others' thoughts or actions, but you can control your own reaction to them. Remember that much of the time, what others say or do is not about you, it's about them and a projection of their own reality.[42] Taking things personally gives others power over you that they should not have.[43]
 - "Personalization" is a common cognitive distortion. It happens when you interpret anything that happens to you as a direct, personal response to something about you. This can lead you to feeling that others "have it in" for you. It can also lead you to take responsibility for things you are not responsible for.[44]
- For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, you can choose to take it personally and stew over how rude the driver was to you. Or you can interpret it as your fault for "allowing" it to happen. These are both personalizing responses that are unhealthy. A stronger response would be to remember that you are not in control of that driver's behavior or actions, and you don't know why s/he did what s/he did. Maybe the driver is having a bad day. Maybe they don't care about others' feelings. You did not cause this behavior.
- Not taking things personally doesn't mean you can't feel hurt by what others say. However, refusing to take something personally will help you distance yourself from the immediate negative reaction.
EditEstablishing and Keeping Healthy Habits - Start each day with self-affirmations. It may seem corny to you at first, but repeating self-affirmations to yourself will help you practice self-compassion. As you brush your teeth or get ready for work, repeat a mantra that is meaningful to you and expresses kindness to yourself.[45]
- For example, you might say something like, "I accept myself today for who I am" or "I love myself completely."
- If you have particular areas of weakness, such as anxiety or body image issues, try focusing your self-affirmations on those. For example, if you experience frequent anxiety, a helpful self-affirmation might be "I will do the best that I can do today. I cannot do more than my best. I cannot control others' actions." If you experience body image issues, try finding something positive to focus on: "I will be kind to my body today, because I deserve kindness" or "I look happy and healthy today."
- Develop your confidence. Confidence is key when becoming emotionally stronger. Being confident in the fact that you are a unique and worthy individual will help you feel more in control of your emotions. When something bad happens, remind yourself that you have the ability to overcome this obstacle, whatever it may be.[46]
 - Remind yourself that even the difficulties you have gone through are learning experiences. You can draw strength and courage from knowing that you have made it through tough times, and you can do it again.[47]
- Make a list of things you like about yourself. These could be skills, personal strengths, achievements...anything. Don't minimize your abilities and good qualities. If you're having trouble thinking of things, ask a friend to help you. They probably see many wonderful things about you that you might not even be aware of.[48]
- Set yourself a (reasonable) challenge to accomplish. For example, you could learn to cook a meal for your friends, or learn a few new poses in yoga, or learn to take artsy photographs. If you love to exercise, train for a 5k or 10k. Once you have accomplished this goal, celebrate it! Honor your successes, no matter how small they may seem to you.
- Don't compare yourself to others. This is a surefire way to damage anyone's self-confidence. Only you are the unique person who is you. The only person whose approval you need to seek is yours. Set goals that matter to you, and don't worry if they're not the same as everyone else's.[49]
- Take care of your physical health. Your physical health can directly affect your emotional health, and vice versa.[50] Caring for your physical health can help you feel less stressed. It can also increase your feelings of well-being and make it easier for you to handle your emotions.[51]
- Exercising is an important part of staying emotionally healthy. When you exercise, your body releases endorphins that make you happy. Next time you find yourself getting upset, go on a walk, run, or to the gym. Studies have shown that regular, moderate exercise makes you feel calmer and happier.[52]
- Enhance your emotional "stamina." You can develop emotional strength by focusing on positive emotions such as compassion and gratitude.[53] Maintaining a compassionate, grateful attitude will help you understand that many of your fears and anxieties are shared by others. This will allow you to be kind to yourself and to others.
- Research has shown that people who regularly practice active gratitude are more resilient in handling trauma.[54] It can also help you interpret even the suffering and negative things in life as learning and survival experiences that have contributed to the self you are now. Gratitude can help keep you from judging others.[55]
- Gratitude is more than feeling grateful. We often cannot control what feelings appear. Trying to control those feelings can overwhelm us. Instead, gratitude is an active exercise in recognizing and savoring the positive.[56] Keeping a gratitude journal, learning prayers of gratitude in your spiritual tradition, and stopping to savor a beautiful or positive experience can all help you practice gratitude.[57]
- Exercise empathy. Exercising empathy for others can help you build stronger, healthier relationships. It can also help you develop healthier ways of dealing with your own emotions and feelings.[58]
- Studies have shown that "loving-kindness" or "compassion" meditation can be a good way to exercise your empathy muscles.[59] Compassion meditation not only enhances your feelings towards others, it has also been shown to decrease depressive symptoms.[60] There are many ways to practice compassion meditation, although several methods stem from Buddhist traditions.[61]
- Read novels. Fiction can encourage you to imagine what it would be like to experience emotions and situations unlike you own. Some studies suggest that reading novels can increase your ability to empathize with others.[62]
- Avoid jumping to conclusions. Studies have shown that when we think about what others "deserve," we feel less empathy for them. Try not to assume that others "deserve" or are responsible for their suffering. Extend that same compassion to yourself, too. We're all human.[63]
- Learn to embrace uncertainty. Uncertainty can be scary, and it can be the cause of a lot of emotional trouble. Being unable to live with uncertainty can cause you to constantly worry, avoid uncertain situations, and become overly reliant on others' reassurance. Uncertainty is also an unavoidable fact of human life. You can develop your emotional strength by practicing accepting uncertainty.[64][65][66]
 - "Intolerance of uncertainty" plays a large role in anxiety. When you have a low tolerance for uncertainty, you find it difficult to accept that it is not impossible for something negative to happen. You may ask "What if" questions or overestimate the risks and consequences of a negative situation or event. You may find yourself consumed with worry.[67]
- Keep a journal throughout the day of times when you feel uncertain or anxious. Write down, as specifically as possible, what triggered these feelings. How did you respond to them?[68]
- Rank your uncertainties. Try to place things that make you feel uncomfortable or anxious on a scale from 0-10. For example, "going shopping without a list" might rank as a 2, but "delegating a project to someone else at work" might be an 8 or 9.[69]
- Practice tolerating uncertainty. Start safe and small. Learn to manage your fear of uncertainty by exposing yourself to it in safe, manageable situations. For example, if you only ever go to one restaurant because you're worried you wouldn't like the food somewhere else, try to pick a new place and eat something you have never tried before. You may or may not enjoy the food. However, you will have shown yourself that you can handle uncertainty and come out okay on the other side. Work up to bigger uncertainties gradually.[70]
- Record your responses. When you try out something uncertain, record what happened when you did this. What did you do? How did you feel while you were doing it? How did it turn out? If things didn't go as planned (and this will happen), how did you respond? Were you able to handle the unexpected outcome?[71]
- Avoid ruminating. Ruminating is a common response to many emotions, especially feelings of sadness or anger.[72] When you ruminate, you obsess about things. You think about a particular situation, thought, or feeling over and over again. It's like a broken record that keeps playing the same 5 seconds of a song.[73] Ruminating can keep you from coming up with a helpful solution to a problem. It can also trap you in a cycle of negative thinking that can lead to depression and stress.[74]
- Perfectionism can foster ruminating. So can an "excessive relational focus," where you overvalue your relationships so much that you will do anything to keep them, even when that is costly or unhealthy.[75]
- Replace negative thoughts with productive ones. Part of a ruminating loop is getting stuck on the same negative thought. Rather than allowing yourself to think the same thoughts over and over, challenge those negative thoughts! Reframe the negative thoughts in positive terms.[76]
- For example, if you have recently broken up with a romantic partner, it can be easy to focus on everything that went wrong. These thoughts can become exaggerated, to where you might feel like the situation was all your fault. You might rehearse "what if" thoughts. You might feel like you're a failure and you can't do anything right.
- Instead, try to focus on a productive, realistic thought. For example: "My relationship with that person ended. I didn't want that to happen, but I can form another healthy relationship. I can use all I've learned from this one to have a stronger relationship with the next person."
- Work on solving problems. Ruminating often focuses on abstract, unanswerable questions such as "Why does this always happen to me?" or "What's wrong with me?" Rather than focus on huge, vague ideas that may not even be accurate, try to think about specifics you can do to address your problem.[77]
- For example, if you're worried that your work isn't going well, make a list of specific actions you can take to address that situation. Call a friend or someone you trust for help, if you can't think of anything on your own.
- As another example, perhaps you are frustrated because your romantic relationships always seem to end up the same way. Think specifically about what traits you look for in a romantic partner. What sorts of people are you attracted to? What do you tend to do in relationships with them? What do they tend to do? Are any of these elements related to how your relationships end up?
- Learn to communicate assertively. Feeling emotionally weak might make it more difficult for you express your feelings, thoughts, and needs to others. Practicing assertive communication will help you make sure that you are clearly communicating your needs and desires. It may also help you feel more confident in yourself.[78]
 - Being assertive is very different from being arrogant. Being assertive about your emotions doesn't mean that you don't consider others' feelings. In fact, you respect others' emotions and needs. You also respect your own emotions and needs. By establishing communication based on mutual respect and openness, you will become a stronger communicator.
- Arrogant people often base their strength and confidence on external factors, such as how others think of them. This can cause arrogant individuals to prioritize their own feelings over others'. Being assertive means that you know that you have self worth on your own. You can communicate your feelings openly, honestly, and respectfully because you are not worried how others will judge you.[79]
- Use "I"-statements. This will help you own your emotions without "mind-reading" or making others feel blamed. For example, if your partner forgot your birthday, don't assume that it is because s/he doesn't care about you and react based on that. Instead, use an "I"-statement to state how you feel: "I felt hurt when you forgot my birthday. I'd like to talk about what happened." Rather than assigning blame and making the other person defensive, you've expressed your feelings and invited the other person to share their experience.
- Fake it till you make it. If you wait until you feel like making a change in your emotional life, you may wait a long time. Practice behaving as if you already have made progress. Learning to tolerate the discomfort and uncertainty from new ways of thinking and behaving is a great way to become stronger emotionally.[80]
- For example, if you feel isolated and sad because you tend to be shy and not approach new people, choose to behave differently. You may not "feel like" going out or striking up a conversation at first, but you will become more comfortable with practice. Even more importantly, you will know that you are taking steps to become stronger and healthier.
- Seek professional assistance. It's a common myth that therapy is only for people whose issues are so "serious" that they have no other option. This isn't true. A therapist or counselor can help you learn to understand and process your emotions. They can help you learn coping techniques and how to become a stronger, healthier person.[81]
- There are many types of health professionals. Psychiatrists and Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners are usually the only ones who prescribe medication. They may also offer counseling. Clinical Psychologists, Licensed Clinical Social Workers, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists, and Licensed Professional Counselors can all offer counseling services.[82]
- Many services offer counseling and therapy. Talk with your doctor or insurance company to find someone in your location.
EditOvercoming Difficult Life Events - Stop avoiding your emotions. Avoiding your emotions may provide temporary relief, but ultimately, ignoring or denying how you feel will cause more problems than it fixes. Research has even shown that cancer patients who avoid processing their emotions deteriorate more quickly than those who accept and process what they're feeling.[83] Examples of avoidance strategies include the following:
- Making yourself too busy to think about the issue
- Denying that the problem exists
- Ignoring the problem or refusing to talk about it
- Using distractions to make you feel better (TV, alcohol, food, gambling, etc.)
- Focusing on the worst-case scenario
- Learn how emotions are processed after a difficult event. The emotions connected to a difficult or traumatic life event can be incredibly painful, and it can seem overwhelming to know where to start when trying to process these deep feelings. However, there are four stages of emotional processing that all individuals need to go through in order to initiate recovery.[84]
 - ''Circuit-breaking.'' This stage often occurs soon after the trauma and is sometimes described as feeling "numb" or "in shock." When your body is overloaded, as with traumatic events, your systems shut down. Your brain loses between 50-90% of its peak functioning.[85] Your other body systems may also shut down, so that you experience sudden symptoms, such as sleeplessness or headaches, that you didn't have previously. You may also see other symptoms you had subside, such as arthritis and even acne.
- ''Return of feelings.'' Once the initial numbness subsides -- and that varies dramatically according to each individual -- feelings will return. They may gradually return, or they may hit you all at once. You may also experience wild fluctuation between emotional states during this stage, where your feelings vary day-to-day and even moment-to-moment.
- ''Constructive action.'' This stage is strongly linked to stage 2, and you will find it difficult to do one without the other. As you become more in touch with your feelings, take actions to restore your sense of power and meaning. For example, if you used to be in an emotionally abusive relationship, you might wish to volunteer at the local women's shelter. Taking actions that are meaningful to you will counteract the sense of helplessness or loss of control that often underlies emotional frailty.
- ''Reintegration.'' This stage cannot occur until the first three have been experienced. In this stage, you become in touch with your emotions and values. You learn to practice "value-congruent" living, in which you live according to your core principles (honesty, compassion, assertiveness, etc.).
- Process your feelings. Expressing your feelings to someone else is important to processing them. This is different from merely talking about your experience, however. Sometimes, people will talk in a very disconnected way about difficult or traumatic things that have happened to them, as though the things had happened to someone else. This disconnection prevents you from truly processing your emotions about what happened.[86]
- Mindfulness techniques can help you stay present in the moment as you discuss a difficult or traumatic event. Using mindfulness techniques can help you regulate your emotions so that you don't break down. They can keep you from ruminating, or "obsessing" over a particular feeling or emotion. They can also reduce anxiety and depressive symptoms, making it easier for you to process your feelings.[87] See Method 1 for how to practice mindfulness techniques.
- Many treatments for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, for example, encourage clients to recall trauma in a controlled way to help them process the feelings that trauma may have caused.[88]
- While talking with friends or family may be sufficient for some people, others may need to seek professional mental health assistance. There is no shame in this! Counselors and therapists are there to provide support and acceptance so that you can be honest with your feelings.
- Express yourself. Personal expression, whether it is through art, music, dance, writing, or talking with others, has been shown to be useful when working through difficult life events. By engaging with your emotions in more than one way, you are encouraged to explore and understand them.[89]
- Focus on activities that you find safe and soothing. Exploring negative emotions in a safe, positive environment will help you process them and recover.[90]
- If you are uncomfortable or unsure of how to express your emotions in this way, you may wish to consult a professional expressive arts therapist, at least at first. Many professional counselors and therapists also have some training in this area.[91]
- Form a support network and use it. Trying to handle trauma or stress by yourself can be overwhelming. Research has repeatedly demonstrated that social and personal support helps recovery.[92] Talking with close friends and family, a professional therapist or counselor, a member of your religious faith, and/or a support group are all good ways to get support from others.
- Seek support from those who accept you just as you are. If you have emotionally scarring things from your past, the last thing you need is to open up and be vulnerable to someone who will judge you. Share with people you trust, who will offer you their unconditional love and support.
- Learn from your past. When you think about your past experiences, recognize them as learning experiences and sources of strength, instead of viewing them as weakness. Even difficult and stressful events can teach you how to develop your emotional resilience and respond more effectively in the future.[93] Here are some questions you could consider asking yourself:[94]
- What kinds of experiences or events are the most stressful for me?
- What were my reactions to these experiences?
- In what ways have I been affected by these experiences?
- What have I learned about myself and how I interact with others from this experience?
- Would it be helpful for me to help someone else process a similar experience?
- How have I overcome obstacles in the past?
- What can I apply from those actions to future obstacles?
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