How to Rebuild a Marriage Posted: 07 Aug 2016 05:00 PM PDT A marriage requires a trusting relationship. When trust has been broken – due to infidelity, substance abuse, deceitfulness or something else – both people in the marriage must make a conscious effort to rebuild the marriage. A marriage can be rebuilt by restoring trust. There are some concrete steps that each person can take to help rebuild the marriage. EditMaking a Decision - Decide to rebuild your marriage. This is the first step in restoring trust. If you haven't committed yourself to rebuilding the marriage, you won't be able to fully participate in restoring trust. Making an honest decision to rebuild your marriage rather than abandon it is the first step of practicing rigorous honesty required for this process.[1]
- Sometimes people decide to abandon the marriage, rather than rebuild. If this is the case for you, you'll be wasting your time to try to rebuild rather than moving on. You might even find your relationship with your spouse improves or changes to friendship once you've decided not to rebuild your marriage.
- Only you can decide whether or not you want to rebuild your marriage. Your friends and family may express opinions regarding what you should do. This is natural. However, you need to decide what's true for you and make your own decisions.
- Ask yourself what kind of marriage you want. Consider whether you've changed your ideas about what you want in a marriage, and whether your ideas are realistic.[2]
- Many times, newly married people start out with idealistic expectations of what marriage should be like. This is especially true of young couples. When these ideas aren't always realized, they might feel betrayed--even if the other partner has not necessarily done anything wrong. Examining unrealistic standards can help what is a perfectly good marriage--but not necessarily idealistic--survive.
- People who experience a crisis in their marriage often prove to have stronger marriages in the long run.
- Part of making a decision to rebuild a marriage is to reconsider your expectations about marriage. If you and your spouse have very different ideas about what you each expect in a marriage, you will need to be able to work out a compromise.
- Both partners in a marriage have to be committed to rebuild a marriage. Rebuilding a marriage takes a lot of hard emotional work, and if one person is not able or willing to undergo this endevor, it cannot happen. While this may seem obvious, sometimes one partner desperately wants to repair the marriage and overlooks the fact the other is not going to do it.
- Ask for help. The process of rebuilding a marriage is very difficult. It can be helpful to talk to a trained professional. This person might be a counselor; a priest, rabbi, or other religious leader with training in marriage counseling; or a psychotherapist. Someone who isn't emotionally involved in your marriage may help you to recognize patterns of behavior or communication that are negatively influencing your marriage.[3]
- Negative communication patterns can be difficult to change alone. If you are trying to make the decision to rebuild a marriage, it might require another person's help to learn to recognize communication that leaves you feeling depressed, insecure, or wanting to leave the conversation.
- When you and your spouse have become "like roommates" rather than like intimate partners, a counselor or therapist might help you remember how you were initially intimate.
- If you feel like the only reason to rebuild the marriage is for the sake of the children, it might be useful to talk to a professional. Staying together for the children's sake is generally an insufficient reason to decide to rebuild your marriage. However, it is also true that it is a reason to do everything possible to try to make a marriage work.
- Take steps to rebuild trust. If you are responsible for breaking the trust in your marriage, you'll need to take additional steps to establish your spouse's trust in you. Make a commitment to telling the truth, and allowing complete openness regarding your plans and communications (including emails, texts and phone calls). Don't hold anything back.[4]
- Try to avoid sharing detailed information about the past transgression, if any. It is important to give clear, truthful, and accurate information to the other spouse. But obsessively recounting betrayals doesn't help your spouse to move on.
- What it critical to one person to get answers about may not be for another. Let your spouse determine what he or she wants an accounting of.
- Recognize that even if you have "come clean", it will take time to rebuild trust. Your spouse may not trust you to have a seperate bank account or have drinks with a person of the opposite sex. You may have to take steps to rebuild trust such as break contact with certain individuals, change jobs, or give up drinking without the other spouse present.
- It may help to learn more about your own reasons for breaking trust with your spouse. This means learning about your own emotional vulnerabilities and insecurities. Be open about this process with your spouse.
- Never blame another person for your betrayal. If you're making a decision to rebuild your marriage, you'll need to take complete responsibility for your actions.
EditTaking Steps to Rebuild a Marriage - Notice the good in your spouse. Stop saying anything bad about your spouse to anyone outside your marriage. When talking to your family and friends, only state positive things your spouse has done. Tell your spouse what you like about him.[5]
- Many times a marriage in need of rebuilding will be focused on negative qualities. You can change a great deal about your marriage by focusing on positive qualities rather than negatives.
- Eliminate the negative observations entirely. Even if you only state two positive qualities about your spouse in a week, you'll likely notice a difference.
- Adjust your expectations. It's easy to develop an internal checklist of what a perfect spouse would be like, but it's unrealistic to expect your partner to fit this mold. You don't have to like everything about your spouse. Learning to accept each other's limitations is an essential step in rebuilding a marriage.[6]
- Learning to develop a realistic form of trust will help you from developing resentments. Living with resentments undermines the quality of your marriage.
- Many disagreements within a marriage are never fully resolved. By adjusting your expectations, two people within a marriage can "agree to disagree" without compromising trust. A disagreement doesn't have to prevent deep satisfaction and trust within a marriage.
- Focus on changing yourself. One of the reasons a marriage deteriorates is dissatisfaction with one's own life. Rather than looking to your spouse to provide for you the life you want, try making some of these changes yourself.[7]
- If you've stopped doing certain activities you enjoy because your spouse doesn't care for them, try doing them again. You don't have to do everything together. If you enjoy hiking, for example, join a hiking group.
- Being honest about your own challenges will help you rebuild your marriage. Look for areas where you can improve, whether these are large or small.
- Learning to identify your challenges will help you become more forgiving of your spouse as well.
- Consider setting an ultimatum. Sometimes stating what needs to change is the only way to rebuild a relationship. For example, an alcoholic may need to stop drinking before any real change can be made in rebuilding a relationship. If you are married to someone in active addiction, it's okay to say that the addict must seek treatment before the marriage can be rebuilt.[8]
- A 12-step group, such as Al-Anon, can be helpful in learning more about practicing healthy boundaries with an addict or alcoholic.
- If you set an ultimatum, follow through with it. Setting ultimatums that you don't stick to deteriorates the relationship.
- Let go of the past. If you continue to bring up issues from the past, you may have trouble addressing real issues in the present. Take a break from discussing past disappointments or betrayals. Instead, focus your attention on the marriage as it is now.[9]
- Whatever your parents did or didn't do, your marriage is yours today. Never use the past to justify your behavior or blame your spouse.
- Eliminate the phrases "You always," or "You never," from your vocabulary. This kind of thinking sees current behaviors through the lens of the past, and prevents you from going forward in the rebuilding process.
- Feeling resentments about things that occurred in the past is natural. Learn to attend to your feelings without reliving the events of the past. Remind yourself that whatever happened is in the past.
EditMoving Into the Future - Confide your feelings to each other. This may be difficult, as many people are taught not to talk about our feelings. However, this is an essential part of rebuilding a marriage. An intimate relationship requires bravery. Saying your feelings means taking responsibility for them, rather than blaming the other person.[10]
- As you move past the initial rebuilding stage, continue to deepen your relationship with one another. The best way to do this is through developing habits of trust and vulnerability.
- You may want to find your own ways to practice talking about feelings. For example, some marriages are helped by setting a "date night" where honest communication can happen. Other people find that communicating difficult feelings via writing can be easier.
- Avoid blame. In a healthy marriage, each partner takes responsibility for her own thoughts, feelings, and words. You have a choice in how you respond to each other.[11]
- A good practice to develop is to use "I" statements when talking about sensitive subjects with your spouse. Instead of saying "You did..." or "You felt...", try to stick to your own perspective. "I did..." or "I felt..." This simple technique will open the conversation to a deeper level of honesty.
- If your partner blames you for something, don't become defensive. This only escalates the situation. Instead, speak honestly about your feelings.
- Remember, your emotions and your emotional reactions are your own. They are not the responsibility of your spouse.
- Learn to repair after an argument. Sometimes disagreements occur even in the healthiest marriage. You can minimize the damage they do by exiting the argument on a better feeling. Ways that couples find to repair their relationship after an argument include: using humor, finding ways to agree with one another, and showing sincere appreciation for the other person's perspective.[12]
- Keeping your commitment to each other helps keep your argument in perspective. Remember the adage, "How important is it?" In 20 years, likely neither of you will remember this argument anyway. Your relationship is more important than being right in this disagreement.
- You can choose to focus on the positives in each other, even during an argument. Doing this is an excellent practice, offering deeper insight into your marriage.
- Find the right kind of help. A therapist, professional or religious counselor can be helpful in understanding the patterns that developed in your marriage. Talk to each other about what kind of resources you might need to rebuild your marriage.[13]
- While you may choose individually to seek help from a trusted resource, the person who helps you rebuild as a couple must work for both of you. For example, if you are a deeply religious person but your spouse is not, a religious counselor might not be the best choice for your marriage helper. Consider using a therapist or professional marriage counselor instead.
- A couple that knows more about the way their problems develop may be able to better resolve them, or they might need additional help. A counselor can help you learn to be patient with each other while you rebuild your marriage.
- Practice patience. A marriage won't be rebuilt overnight. It will take time to recognize and change long-established patterns of communication and trust. Learn to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and assume that she's acting in sincerity. [14]
- Don't rush this process. Forgiveness and trust are very intimate issues, different for each person. Allow your spouse the time he needs to develop these qualities for himself, and allow yourself the same thing. Don't panic if these don't develop immediately.
- If you find yourself feeling angry or frustrated, take some time apart from one another to calm down.
- If you, or anyone in your household, is being physically, emotionally or sexually abused, you need to take steps to ensure safety. Call an emergency hotline number to find local information regarding options in your area. In the United States, you can call 211 for help locating community resources. If you are in an emergency, call 911 for help.
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How to Apply Gel Nails Posted: 07 Aug 2016 09:00 AM PDT Applying gel nails gives you the strength of acrylic nails with the appearance of natural nails. When applying gel nails, you don't get the strong fumes that you get when acrylics are applied. The gel hardens under UV light. Each layer has to harden under this light for two to three minutes. This creates a chemical bond that connects the gel to your nail.[1] EditPrepping Your Nails - File and shape your nails. To get the ultimate look from your at-home gel nails, start with the ultimate blank nail. Take the time to cut, file, and shape your nails. Before you cut them, decide what shape you want. Cut the basic shape and then file the tips. Finally, finish shaping by rounding the surface of your nails with a buffer.[2]
- You can create round, square, pointy, almond, or oval nails.
- Because gel nails are based off of your nails, this is when you shape your nails. It is not like applying acrylic nails that can be shaped during/after application.
- Use cuticle remover. Once you have the basic shape to your nail, apply a cuticle remover around the base of your nails. Use a cuticle stick to push back any skin off of your nail plate. Remove any remaining oil or debris from your nail with a cotton ball that's been dipped in acetone.
- Apply your base layer. Apply a very thin layer of your basecoat to your nails. For gel, you use a much thinner layer than you would with standard nail polish. Be careful when applying your base layer: you don't want to get the gel on your fingers. Let your base layer dry for twice as long as recommended.[3]
EditApplying the Color - Apply 2 thin layers. Once your base layer has dried completely, apply another extremely thin layer. This will be your color gel. It will probably look streaky, but that is normal for the first layer. Make sure to use these colored layers to paint over the tip of your nail as well as over the surface. This will keep the gel from curling back off your nail.
- Cure each layer under a UV lamp for 2-3 minutes.
- Apply your top gel. Coat your nails completely in your top gel. Paint over the tip, like you did with your color gel. Once again, cure the gel polish under a UV light for 2-3 minutes.
- Remove the tacky. Some gel methods leave a tacky, sticky layer on and around your nails after curing the top gel. If this is the case, simply take a cotton ball dipped in isopropyl alcohol and wipe over the tacky. Finish off your gel manicure by rubbing a cuticle oil into the skin around the base of your nail.[4]
EditRemoving Gel Nails - File off the top layer. To remove your gel nails, you first need to file off the top layer of the gel. This will take away the shine. Only once the shine is removed can you move forward in removing the gel.[5]
- Cover cotton balls in 100% acetone. The gel won't come off if you don't use 100% acetone. Take 10 pieces of cotton balls and soak them in your acetone. The cotton balls should be big enough to cover your whole nail.
- Wrap tin foil around your fingertips. Take one of you cotton balls and place it on your nail, covering your entire nail. With the cotton ball in place, wrap the nail and the tip of your finger with tin foil. Do this over the rest of your nails.[6]
- It is recommended to do this one hand at a time. It is very difficult to use foil-covered fingers to wrap the second hand.
- Let sit and then remove one at a time. Let the foil stay wrapped for 15 minutes. Don't try pulling it open to check if it's working—keep it shut. After 15 minutes, remove the wrapping one nail at a time. The gel will have started to peel back. Use a cuticle stick to push the gel off your nail.
- If there is gel stuck that you can't remove with the cuticle stick, re-wrap your nails with another acetone soaked cotton ball and foil. Let sit for another 15 minutes and try again.
- Finish with cuticle oil. Once again, you want to finish with cuticle oil. Massage cuticle oil into the skin around the base of your nail.[7]
- If your nails look rough, apply cuticle oil to the surface of your nail and buff them using a nail buffer.
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How to Get a Low APR on a Car Loan Posted: 07 Aug 2016 01:00 AM PDT APR stands for Annual Percentage Rate. It defines the amount you pay in interest for an entire year rather than just in the course of one payment period (usually a month). Getting a low APR on a car loan will reduce the amount of interest you need to pay on the car loan over time. Unfortunately, many dealers attempt to manipulate buyers into paying exorbitantly high rates. Doing your homework and knowing what your bargaining chips are will enable you to negotiate a lower APR. EditDoing Your Homework - Get your credit report. Most dealers will offer you an APR based on your income and credit score. Consumers are entitled to one free credit report per year from a credit bureau. The federal government authorized annualcreditreport.com to issue free credit reports. You can alternately choose from TransUnion, Equifax, and Experian, or see this guide.
- Your credit report does not come with a free credit score. It would be nice to know your credit score, but you should be able to get an idea of how good your credit is based on the report alone.
- The most common credit scoring model is FICO. The FICO score is calculated based on amounts owed (30%), new credit (10%), length of credit history (15%), credit mix (10%), and payment history (35%).[1] Shoot for a score as close to 850 as you can, but the upper 700s will get you good loan rates as well.[2]
- Some credit card companies and banks will automatically generate a FICO score for you each month. You may receive this report for free, or you may have to pay extra for it.
- Check average interest rates in your area. You need to walk into the negotiating room aware of the rates others in your area are getting. There are numerous companies who compile interest rate reports that you can find with a simple web search. You can also check your bank's website to find their rates.[3]
- Get proof of income. The second criteria car dealers use to determine your interest rate is your income. Bring a pay stub, tax return, or other government document that indicates your income. Showing job stability will help you get a better interest rate.
- Shop around for cars. Getting fixated on a dream car makes it easier for dealers to manipulate you into higher interest rates. Find multiple cars so you have the flexibility to walk away from a bad deal later on. Unless you are in the market for a rare car, you should be able to find several similar vehicles in your area.
- Find interest rates for dealers and banks. The best loan may be with a dealer, a bank, or a credit union – it just depends on the business or institution. Think about the perks of borrowing money from each place. Though one institution may have higher rates, it may be more convenient for you.[4]
- Taking a dealership loan is not always a bad idea. In addition to the convenience factor, they may have special programs that help you keep your car on the road. Get information about all they offer with their loans, but be wary of 'add-ons' that pad the offer but have little value.[5]
- Bank loans usually have lower APRs. Despite legislation to cap APR rates and loan markups in many states, you will often get the best deal at your bank. If you use multiple banks, you will be able to choose the best rate. Credit unions generally have much lower rates for auto loans. Look at the most up-to-date report from the American Credit Union Administration to see how banks and credit unions compare.[6]
- Consider a car ownership program. Many people with low income have little defense against exploitative loaning practices. There are numerous programs to help low income families obtain and pay for cars. Check with nonprofits to find a car ownership program in your area.[7]
EditNegotiating the Best APR - Get pre-approved for a bank loan. Whether you end up taking the bank loan or not, having one in hand is a powerful bargaining chip when you talk to a car dealer. If you suspect a car dealer has made you a bad offer, talk to your bank. Until you sign the papers, your pre-approved APR from your bank may get you a comparable rate.
- Take a shorter term loan if possible. APR rates increase dramatically based on how long you choose to pay back the loan. A standard short-term loan is 36 months. This information will be in the loan information you found for your bank when you were doing your homework. A shorter payback time equals higher monthly payments, however, so evaluate whether you can afford the additional cost. On average, car owners spend about 11% of their income on car payments.[8]
- Make a large down payment. Car dealers prefer to receive as much cash up front as possible. Offering to make a larger down payment than necessary is a bartering chip you can use to get a lower APR. It will also decrease the size of your payments, and maybe even allow you to choose a shorter payback period.
- Exchange additional offers for a lower APR. Dealers use add-ons such as cash rebates, minor car improvements, and incentive programs to increase the cost of the car. Some of these, however, are 'back-end products,' meaning that they have not yet been installed or gone into effect. Tell the dealer you would like to trade some add-ons for a lower APR.[9]
- Be ready to walk away. Though it doesn't apply to all, the usurious used car dealer stereotype exists for a reason. If you are getting a bad deal and they won't budge, walk away. If you did your homework, you will have several more options. Even if they don't give you a better deal to get you back to the negotiating table, you will probably have better luck with another more trustworthy dealer.
- Consider having someone co-sign your car loan if you have bad credit. Otherwise, it is not likely that you will get a low APR on your loan.
- Remember that when you see advertisements for 0 percent financing and other low APR deals, those quotes are for people with excellent credit and income. Not everyone will qualify for the low APR that is advertised on car loans.
- Dealers do not provide financing directly. They work with third-party lenders to find you a loan. Often, the dealer will add a percentage point or two to your APR, as a form of commission for arranging your financing. Therefore, you can often secure a lower APR by pre-arranging your car loan through a bank, credit union, or finance company prior to visiting the dealer.
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