| How to Ask a Deaf Person for a Date Posted: 04 Aug 2016 05:00 PM PDT You've met an attractive and interesting deaf person through work or school, and want to ask them on a date. If you aren't deaf yourself, it's natural to think about what the best way to ask them would be. Many people outside the deaf community don't realize that hearing ability is on a spectrum in the deaf community, and that folks who are deaf don't all use the same forms of communication. Asking out a deaf person on a date involves finding the best way to talk to your crush, and also being respectful of their deafness and their identity. EditFinding the Best Way to Communicate - Find out if they can read lips. If you have already talked to your crush, then you should know whether or not they can read lips. If you haven't talked to your crush but see them around, watch how they communicate in social situations. If you notice that they can understand what people say without the use of sign language, then they can read lips.[1]
- Not all deaf people can read lips, so don't assume they can if you don't already know.
- Find out if they use their voice. Some people who are deaf read lips and speak aloud, especially if they are on the hard of hearing as opposed to profoundly deaf end of the spectrum. Watch how they communicate with hearing people who don't know how to sign. Also know that just because they use sign language when talking to other deaf people, it doesn't mean that they don't speak when talking to hearing people. [2]
- Find out if they know sign language. While most deaf people know ASL or another form of sign language, not all do. If you know sign language, it will be easier to communicate with your crush. See how they talk to their deaf friends. If you only see them in an environment with hearing people and want to know if they know sign language, you can ask mutual acquaintances.[3]
- If you don't know sign language, weigh the pros and cons of learning a couple phrases. Some could appreciate the gesture of learning, while others may feel that it's silly to learn these phrases if for the rest of your conversations you will have to communicate without sign language.
- If you already know your crush, learning a couple phrases could be seen as sweet. If you don't, the gesture could be more confusing or off-putting.
- For this reason, if you don't know sign language and are unsure of whether your crush would appreciate it, it may be best to communicate in a consistent way, either by writing or speaking.
- See if they have an interpreter. Your crush may have an interpreter, especially if he or she is a student in a primarily hearing class. If you usually see your crush with an interpreter, plan to ask them out with the interpreter's help.
- When you speak through an interpreter, make sure to look at your crush while you are talking. Your crush is the person you are having the conversation with, and the interpreter is just there to translate. Looking at the interpreter instead of the person you are talking to is considered rude and it changes the dynamic of the conversation.
- Keep in mind that the interpreter will not be going on the date with you two, so you will need to find another method of communication for when you are alone together.
- Decide what the best way to communicate with them is. If you already have talked to your crush, you will know how best to communicate. If you've never spoken to them before, think about what the best way would be for your individual situation.
- For instance, if your crush reads lips and speaks, plan to talk with them face-on so that they can clearly read your lips.[4]
- If your crush reads lips and speaks sign language, plan on signing to them. If you don't know sign language, plan to write down your message.
- Also consider texting your crush if you have their number.
EditAsking Them on a Date - Introduce yourself. Have a conversation with your crush before you ask them out. Depending on how your crush communicates for the most part, and whether or not you know sign language, talk to your crush either by speaking, writing down what you want to say, signing if you know sign language, or speaking through your crush's interpreter. You want to get comfortable talking to your crush before you ask them out.[5]
- Introduce yourself if you've never talked to your crush before. Either say, sign or write something like "Hi, I've seen you around a lot but I've never said hello. My name is Heather."
- If you have met your crush before, ask them how they have been or how their weekend was.
- Make sure that if you are speaking to them, you are facing them so they can clearly see your lips. If you are writing, write clearly and legibly.
- Make conversation about circumstances or interests you have in common. Before you ask them out, get a conversation going. This will make both of you more comfortable, and make it more likely that they will say yes to going on the date.[6]
- For instance, if you are taking a class together, ask them about how they like the class.
- If you work together, ask them what they do at the company.
- Even if you are nervous, remember to smile! Your crush won't be able to hear the tone of your voice, so you want to be sure to smile to show that you're friendly and interested.
- Ask them out. The way you ask them out may depend on how friendly you already are with each other. If you only just met them, acknowledge that you don't know each other very well, but say that you would like to get to know them. If you already know each other, ask your crush out to do something you know that they like.
- If you have only just met them, say or write something like, "I know that that I only just met you, but you seem really cool and I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee sometime."
- If you already know them, suggest something you know they might like. Say something like, "I know the other day you were talking about how you like old films. There's actually a new movie theatre that shows films with subtitles that opened up downtown, do you want to go check it out?"
- You don't need to use the words "go on a date with me", but you should make it clear that it will just be the two of you.
- Understand that not all deaf people want to date hearing people. If your crush does not want to go on a date with you, know that it probably isn't a personal thing. A lot of deaf folks only want to date other deaf people because they are part of the same culture and have may be coming from a more similar place. Additionally, your crush may have experienced a lot of ignorance and discrimination from hearing people about their deafness, and want to be with someone that they don't have to explain deaf etiquette and culture to.[7]
- These reasons on top of communication barriers make many people who are deaf want to only date other deaf people.
EditChoosing a Date Activity - Ask your crush what they want to do. If your crush agrees to the date, you should make plans about what you want to do! A great way to start making plans is to ask your crush what they would like to do. This takes the pressure off of you and it also ensures that your crush will have fun on the date!
- Pick an activity that isn't hands on. If your crush doesn't have ideas for what they want to do, try to stay away from activities that involve using your hands or where the two of you will be constantly moving. You will want to be directly next to or across from your crush to communicate with them, so stay away from physical activities like biking or swimming where your hands are occupied.[8]
- Go somewhere that's well-lit. No matter how you and your crush communicate, you will need to be able to see each other clearly. Don't go to a dark bar if you want to talk with your crush. Instead, go to somewhere well lit where the two of you can sit across from each other. A good place for this would be somewhere like a coffee shop.[9]
- Do an activity that is enjoyable for both of you. This is important for any date activity, but it is especially important for a date with a deaf and a hearing person. Don't go to a comedy show where they will not be able to understand the jokes, or a party where they don't know anyone. Try to do something that you both can enjoy equally.[10]
- Even just getting dinner or coffee can be a good date activity.
- Do an activity that accommodates the deaf community. Find a space that is specifically welcoming to the deaf community. For example, go to a movie theater that shows movies with subtitles. Few public spaces specifically accommodate deaf folks, and choosing to go to one can be a good experience for both of you.
EditBeing Considerate With Your Crush - Don't shout. When you are talking to your crush, do not shout. This will not help them understand you better, and if they are reading lips it may even make it harder to understand you. If they don't understand what you said, repeat yourself clearly in a normal tone of voice. You also may talk a little slower if you are a fast talker, but not in an exaggeratedly slow way.[11]
- Don't pretend to know sign language if you only know a few words. Don't try to make up sign language. Languages like ASL are extremely sophisticated and complex, so doing hand motions and throwing in a couple real words will make you look extremely ignorant. It's ok if you don't know sign language! Your crush won't hold it against you.[12]
- Don't avoid talking about their deafness. Don't go out of your way to avoid mentioning their deafness. Your crush's deafness is a part of them just like their gender or their age.[13]
- Treating deafness like a sad or taboo subject might mean that you are not comfortable with their deafness. If this is true, you may want to reconsider whether you are ready to date them.
- Don't treat their deafness as a negative thing or an illness. Never apologize for your crush's deafness or say things like, "I'm sorry that you're deaf", or "You must be sad that you can't hear things." Many deaf people are proud to be deaf and don't want to be "cured". Being deaf is part of their identity and the deaf community is a strong and vibrant community to be a part of.[14]
- Always repeat yourself if they didn't catch what you said. If your crush didn't understand what you said, always repeat yourself, even if it's an unimportant comment. Don't say "never mind" or "it's not important." This will make your crush feel excluded and snubbed.[15]
- You don't have to change what words you used or "dumb it down". In fact, repeating the same thing over again is preferable.
- Don't speak for your crush. When you're with your crush, don't order for them at restaurants or tell others what they want. Doing this makes it seem like you don't think your crush is capable of taking care of themselves, and it can come across as inconsiderate or even insulting. Unless your crush asks you to, don't speak for them.
- If you and your crush start dating, consider learning sign language if you don't already know it!
- Be realistic about communication barriers. Dating a deaf person can be similar to dating someone who speaks a different language than you, especially if you don't know sign language.
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| How to Live With Shingles Posted: 04 Aug 2016 09:00 AM PDT Shingles is an infection that shows up on the skin and may result in a blistering rash. It comes from the virus known as varicella zoster, which also causes chicken pox. If you have had the chicken pox before, you are susceptible to shingles later in life. There is no cure for shingles, but it can be treated with medication and regular care from your physician. EditManaging an Outbreak - Recognize the symptoms. Shingles begins with pain, itching, burning, numbness, and/or tingling for 1 to 5 days.[1] Then you develop a rash. In people with normal immune systems, the rash usually occurs as a single, distinct stripe on one side of your body or on your face. Some people with weak immune systems may have a rash all over their body.[2]
- Other symptoms include fever, headache, chills, sensitivity to light, sensitivity to touch, fatigue, and an upset stomach.[3]
- The rash will form blisters that will scab over in 7 to 10 days. Shingles lasts between 2 and 6 weeks.[4]
- Seek medical treatment immediately. You should see a doctor as soon as you develop a rash. It is best if you get to the doctor within 3 days (sooner if the rash is on your face). The doctor can diagnose you and make a treatment plan. Early treatment can help your blisters dry up faster and decrease your pain.[5]
- Shingles can be treated at home. You probably will not have to stay in the hospital.[6]
- Most people get shingles once, but it is possible to get it 2 or 3 more times.[7]
- Try home remedies. While you are having an outbreak you should wear loose-fitting clothes made of natural fabrics, get lots of rest, and eat healthy. You can also try taking an oatmeal bath or using calamine lotion to calm your skin.[8]
- Try wearing silk or cotton fabrics instead of wool or acrylic clothing.
- You can add a handful of ground or colloidal oatmeal to your bath to soothe your skin. You can also buy oatmeal bath products that can be added to your bath.[9]
- Apply calamine lotion after you bathe and your skin is still damp.[10]
- Reduce stress. Stress can make your shingles more painful. try to do things that take your mind off of your pain by doing things that you enjoy like reading, listening to music, or talking with friends or family.[11] Stress can also trigger an outbreak, so do what you can to avoid it.
- Meditation and deep breathing techniques can help you relieve the stress of enduring a shingles outbreak, and may help reduce your pain.[12]
- You can meditate by silently repeating a calming thought or word to keep you from being distracted by your thoughts.[13]
- You could also try guided meditation where you focus on a mental image or place that you find relaxing. As you visualize this place, you should try to incorporate the smells, sights, and sounds. It is helpful if you have someone else guide you through the visualization process.[14]
- Tai chi and yoga are also other ways to reduce stress. Both of these combine specific postures and deep breathing exercises.[15]
- Take an antiviral medication. Your physician will likely prescribe valacyclovir (Valtrex), acyclovir (Zovirax), famciclovir (Famvir), or a similar drug to treat your shingles. Take the medication as directed by your doctor and pharmacist, and talk to them about any potential side effects or reactions with other medications you are taking.[16]
- You should take these medications as soon as possible so that they will be effective. This is why you should get to your doctor as soon as your rash appears.[17]
- Take a pain medication. The pain you feel during a shingles outbreak should be brief, but it may be intense. Depending on the level of pain and your medical history, your doctor may prescribe something with codeine, or a medication that will manage long term pain such as an anticonvulsant.[18]
- Your doctor may also prescribe numbing medication like lidocaine. It may be applied as a cream, gel, spray,or a skin patch.[19]
- Your doctor may also inject you with corticosteroids or a local anesthetics to manage your pain.[20]
- Prescription capsaicin cream, which contains the active ingredient in chili peppers, can also help manage pain when you apply it to the rash.[21]
- Keep your skin clean and cool. Take cool baths during an outbreak of shingles, or hold a cold compress over the blisters and sores.[22] Keep them clean with cold water and mild soap to prevent further irritation or infection.[23]
- You should bathe with a gentle soap like Dove, Oil of Olay, or Basis.[24]
- You can mix 2 tsp of salt in 1 liter of cool water and use a washcloth to apply the solution to your blisters or rash. This will help with any itching you are experiencing.[25]
EditDealing with Shingles Complications - Recognize PHN. One out of five people with shingles will develop post-herpetic neuralgia (PHN). You may have PHN if you are experiencing severe pain in the same area where you had your shingles rash.[26] PHN can last for weeks or months. Some people can experience symptoms for years.[27]
- The older you are, the more likely you are to develop PHN.[28]
- If you experience pain when things touch your skin (e.g., clothes, wind, people), you may have PHN.[29]
- If you wait too long to seek treatment, you may be more likely to develop PHN.
- Watch out for complications. While PHN is the most common complication, there are other complications such as pneumonia, hearing problems, blindness, brain inflammation (encephalitis), or death.[30] Scarring, bacterial skin infection, and local muscle weakness are also possible complications.[31]
- Seek medical treatment. If you think you are suffering from PHN or other shingles complications, you should go see your doctor. Your doctor will be able to develop a treatment plan to manage your complications. Your treatment plan will be focused on managing your chronic pain.[32]
- Your treatment plan may include topical agents such as lidocaine, analgesics such as oxycodone, anti-convulsants such as gabapentin (Neurontin) or pregabalin (Lyrica), or psychosocial interventions.[33]
- Many people may experience depression or other mental health issues when they deal with chronic pain. Your doctor may prescribe you antidepressants or recommend that you receive cognitive behavioral therapy. Your cognitive behavioral therapy may include relaxation techniques or hypnosis. Both of these techniques are effective for managing chronic pain.[34]
- Get the shingles vaccine. If you are 60 and older, you should get the shingles vaccine. Even though you have had shingles before, you should still get the vaccine.[35] You can get the vaccine at your doctor's office or at the pharmacy.
- Your shingles vaccine will be covered by Medicare Part D plans or your private health insurance.[36]
- You should wait until your rash has disappeared before you get vaccinated. Talk with your doctor to decide the best time for you to get the vaccine.[37]
- Take care of your overall health. Living with shingles means that anything can trigger an outbreak, including stress, a lowered immune system, poor diet and exhaustion.[38] While getting vaccinated is the only way to prevent shingles, having good overall health can help you avoid another outbreak and recover from shingles better.[39]
- Eat a balanced diet and get plenty of vitamins, minerals and antioxidants.
- Exercise regularly and get plenty of rest.
- Look for support among other people living with shingles. Approximately 1 million people develop shingles every year in the United States, according to estimates provided by The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Nearly 50 percent of those cases affect people who are at least 60 years old. Check community listings or online for support groups in your area.
- Do not scratch at your blisters or skin during an outbreak. This will only make your pain and the severity of your shingles worse.
- Avoid people who have not been infected by chicken pox or have not had the chicken pox vaccine. Shingles is not contagious, but during an outbreak, you can give chicken pox to children and adults who have not been exposed to or vaccinated against the varicella virus.
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| How to Sort Your Life Out Posted: 04 Aug 2016 01:00 AM PDT It is easy to become overwhelmed with everything our culture expects of us. Many people go through life so bogged down with small obligations that they lose track of their priorities. Sorting out your life involves thinking deeply about what you truly desire. Then, you have the freedom to make changes to your daily life according to your highest aspirations for happiness and well-being. EditTaking Stock of your Life - Visualize your best self.[1] What are your most important qualities? Understanding the unique gifts you have to offer the world can help you figure out what direction your life should take. Take a few hours to think deeply about what makes you special.
- Spending time in a place where you can be yourself is a good way to identify what makes you, you. Try going to your favorite place in nature, or spending time near people who get you. When you can really be yourself, what qualities emerge?
- It may also help to ask people you trust what good qualities they see in you. Sometimes it's difficult to see our own strengths clearly.
- Make a list of your priorities.[2] Spend time thinking about your priorities divorced from what you know your current obligations are. Take note of the happiest moments in your life, and prioritize the parts of your life that deliver these moments to you. Remember, you don't need to think about what's feasible and what isn't, just what truly makes you tick. This will help you see what you cherish rather than the strategies you'll use to get them. Keep the list short and sweet—no longer than five things. Ask yourself the following questions in order to connect with your priorities:
- How would you like to live your life?
- Would you like to be healthy and vital?
- Would you like to have deeper connections with people in your life?
- What will make you proud to be able to say about yourself in ten years time?
- Write out a daily schedule.[3] When you have a completely average day, what does it entail? By laying out a daily schedule, not of what you want for yourself, but of what you actually do you can see your current strategies for meeting your priorities.
- Now that you have this schedule, see if your priorities are reflected in your daily activity or not. Can you draw links between what you cherish and what you know must be taken care of each day? For example, if you already eat a nourishing breakfast in the morning, you can connect this up with a stated priority of maintaining a healthy body and mind. If you cannot see the connection between how you spend your time and what your deeper priorities are, you will know that a significant overhaul may be in order.
- Separate the urgent from the valuable. Looking again at your daily schedule, sort everything you do into two different categories: urgent and valuable. Everything we do holds some sort of meaning for us, otherwise we wouldn't be doing it.[4] Notice the things you do that are urgent, meaning that you feel as though you are under pressure and seek to avoid the consequences of not doing it. Then, look at the other activities that are valuable. If something is valuable that means that there is something intrinsically enjoyable to the activity itself, as it is in line with your priorities (even if only in a small way).
- For instance, you might be confused about where to place an activity like calling your mom. Ask yourself: do you call your mom daily because you would feel guilty or fear hurting her if you don't check in? Or, do you talk to her frequently because you prioritize family and talking to her sparks the joy of connection in you? Yes to the first option shows that the activity is urgent, and yes to the second means that it is valuable.
- List your obligations and duties. These need not be only the obligations that we consider crucial, like paying rent and buying groceries, but also the obligations that you feel you have toward others. What are the things that you have to do, for fear of some type of punishment or shame? While these will not go away completely, recognition of what you do out of fear will sharpen your ability to see when you are acting from a priority and when you are acting out of fear, urgency or obligation.
- Slowly, you'll learn to make different decisions about what needs to be done and when. This time, caring for your priorities and growth rather than simply running in fear of consequences.
- Begin to notice which obligations can be altered, split, or delegated in order for your values and priorities to be upheld. Can an aunt, friend, or coworker help out with the obligation half time? Or maybe the task is truly the responsibility of someone else - let that person rise to the opportunity to be responsible and handle the task.
- Think about your relationships. To live without getting overwhelmed or confused about what your priorities are, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who make you feel comfortable enough to be confident and creative. The next time you go out, be extra mindful of who gives you energy and who makes talking feel like a chore. This will bring out your gut feelings about whose presence really nourishes you, making it easier to spend your time feeling boosted rather than obligated in relation to others.
- Honestly ask yourself the questions: "Who makes me feel shrunken when I'm around them? Who makes me feel like my contributions are trivial?" You might be surprised (and shaken) to find that people who we love very much bring out tendencies of self-effacement and repression of our true feelings.
EditChanging Your Outlook - Embrace difficult discussions. Our lives are filled with others who we must work and share with, and yet, often have vastly different styles and priorities from. Are there conversations you've wanted to have, but pushed aside for fear of the person's response? Without judging or accusing the other person, talk about the ways you differ.[5] Then, you can brainstorm about how you might proceed with these differences in mind. Sometimes, these differences involve quick fixes that take the frustration and dissatisfaction out of daily life.
- For example, you might have a co-worker who always leaves you responsible for your least favorite task, filing papers. If you calmly let your co-worker know that filing papers is a major source of upset for you, you could work out a way to share the burden. Perhaps your co-worker simply forgets to file papers and doesn't mind taking on the task entirely. Either way, you'll feel empowered for making an adjustment that frees up more time for enjoyable activities.
- Spend time by yourself.[6] Make checking in with yourself and your priorities a regular occurrence. Imagine that you are hanging out with a dear friend to whom you can vent your deepest insecurities and questions about the direction of your life. Now, see that you can be that friend to yourself. If you are as kind and understanding as your friend would be, you can expect an even greater degree of intimacy and understanding than you ever could from another person.
- The more time by yourself spent outside, the better. When possible, spend your alone time in the backyard or at a nearby park. This will make it so you have fewer reminders of the other things you need to be doing and more reminders of the beauty there for you to slow down and appreciate.
- Turn negative self-talk into encouragement.[7]Without realizing it, many of us go through our days thinking thoughts like, "I can't do this." or "I'm not good enough." Every time you notice that you're putting yourself down or judging yourself to be incompetent, try countering it with an affirmation of what you can do.
- Say you were assigned a paper in class with a long, confusing prompt. A voice might pop up that tells you that there's no way you can handle it because you're so far behind already. Respond to this voice by letting it know that you work well under pressure or that you're a savvy writer regardless of the topic.
- Cultivate acceptance for the past.[8] Sorting out your life is impossible without being free from past regrets and resentments. If possible, make amends with people who represent a strong lack of resolution in your life. This might be a parent you haven't seen in years or a friend who you never saw after a fight. If you are caught up in anger about a breakup or disappointed with yourself for not getting the promotion you wanted, you will lack the energy it takes to move toward change.
- When making amends, you don't have to commit to having a long confrontation about whatever happened. What's important is to let this person know that you have recognized unresolved issues related to them, and that you intend to move forward in your life with respect for them and gratitude for the lessons of your shared experience. Writing a brief email can show how much you've built up a past situation in your mind. Peeking into the closet and greeting some skeletons can usher in a sense of peace.
EditSetting up Life for Change - Start each day with a to-do list.[9] Lists are a great way to get rid of feelings of chaos and overwhelm. They also help manage stress by giving you a visual of how much you really need to do. When you use your to-do list as a starting off point, you can begin to see how much room you have to re-negotiate your daily activities. Once you see your to-do list, rearrange the items so that things that are important to you and your happiness come before things that you normally consider urgent.
- For example, you might have a bill due in four days. But, you also have on your list taking a walk through your neighborhood. It seems obvious that spending your time paying the bill will relieve your stress—it's an obligation that you could be getting out of the way! But since today is not the due date, you can choose to deal with the bill when you must, since your need for movement and refreshment is more important to your happiness today.
- Clean like it's spring.[10] Having a clean, open space at home, work, etc., has a powerful impact on how capable we feel of accomplishing tasks. Clean your house from top to bottom, without hesitation to throw away broken things and donate what you no longer use. Recycle old papers and receipts that are filling up drawers, and do the same with your virtual space. Delete old emails, notes, and contacts that clutter your folders. Doing this will help you feel refreshed and open to the possibility of new and different things coming into your space instead.
- Regulate your sleep schedule. Studies have shown that after only a few days of shortened sleep, many experience worse mood and decreased ability to regulate negative emotions.[11]. This means that you will feel less inspired to accomplish the things that the best version of yourself has deemed a priority.
- If getting 7-8 hours of sleep is not an option for you, do allow yourself to take catch-up naps after nights of less satisfying sleep. Learning to improve your sleeping habits is invaluable.
- Find a diet that fits you. Sorting out your life may mean revamping what you eat and how your eating habits factor into your days. Unless you prioritize and enjoy refining your culinary skills, develop habits for when you buy and prepare food. Don't leave room for stress to arise about what you want to eat and when.
- Keep a list of basic items to keep around so that you can always prepare a quick meal or nutritious snack. By having reliable options, you will also avoid the over- and under-eating that normal come along with (and worsen) stress.
- Exercise to clean out nervous energy. Exercise causes your brain to release endorphins, adrenaline, and other chemicals that act to relieve excess tension and uplift mopey moods.[12] Movement of all kind has been proven to regulate bodily functions and advance emotional well-being. Yoga, weight training, and cardiovascular exercise are all good options.[13]
- Remember not to commit yourself to an amount of exercise that isn't desirable for keeping your priorities. The goal is to make you more fit to live the life you want to live, not to load you up with another obligation that you don't care about. If you know that muscular endurance is not a priority for your life, choose brisk walks over weight training.
- Monitor your vices. Do you drink, smoke, or zone out to the television frequently? The vices aren't the problem, but how you use them can show you what your time is really being used to do. By becoming aware of the role your vices play in your life--and these do shift often--you can learn how to use them more responsibly without cutting them completely. The next time you go for a drink, for example, ask yourself: "Is this helping me toward a priority?"
- The answer is not necessarily no--you may be having a glass of wine with your family or friends whose presence you value. But, the drink may also be helping you avoid a to-do list item or hindering your ability to see your priorities in action.
- Be patient! Changes take time, and the hardest part about sorting your life out is that life always keep coming.
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