| How to Forgive Posted: 01 Jan 2020 04:00 PM PST Forgiveness is something that must be created. If done thoughtfully and effectively, it will transform the way you think, feel, and live your life. Approaching the challenge with an "I can do that" attitude will motivate you to face the challenge. By taking action, changing your thoughts, shifting your emotions and seeking guidance from numerous valuable sources you will know how to forgive others, and yourself. [Edit]Making the Decision - Consider why you want to forgive this person. Forgiveness is a decision that should be made thoughtfully, especially if someone did something seriously wrong. Take time to think through your feelings and your reasoning, to better understand the situation.
- You want to resolve your own feelings of anger, confusion, or hurt.
- You value your relationship with them, and believe that forgiving them is worth it.
- They've shown a willingness to change their behavior, and you want to try again.
- Pay attention to whether they're willing to change their behavior. Have you given them the chance to change, by letting them know their actions hurt you? If so, are they working to adjust their behavior, or are they doing it again without caring how it's affecting you?
- For example, say that your sister made fun of your nose, and you told her that it hurt your feelings. Pay attention to whether she does it again.
- Choose to forgive because you want to, not because you have to. Forgiveness should be chosen freely, not reluctantly or under pressure. Forgiveness is a choice that you make for yourself, so don't let other people's ideas of what you "should" do pressure you into doing something that feels premature or just not right.
- If you aren't ready to forgive someone, you don't have to do it yet. If anyone pressures you, say "I'm not ready to forgive yet."
- You do not owe forgiveness to anyone else. If you do not want to forgive them, that is your choice.
- Recognize the difference between forgiveness and foolishness. You may choose to forgive someone once, twice, or three times. But if they are repeatedly and knowingly hurting you, or if they have done something extremely terrible, then you should consider protecting yourself. If someone has shown that they will mistreat you again and again, or that they are willing to do you serious harm, then you need to protect your own well-being.
- For example, you can forgive an abusive father and choose not to talk to him ever again, because you know he would mistreat you.
- For example, if your girlfriend yells at you and then apologizes and says she's working on controlling her temper, then you might decide to forgive her and continue dating her. If your girlfriend screams horrible abuse at you, or hits you, then you need to protect yourself and escape the relationship.
- When in doubt, take your time. Sometimes, it takes a while to untangle all your feelings and figure out what to do. That's okay. Give yourself time and space to process.
- Write in a journal about it.
- Talk to a mentor or trusted person about the situation.
- Express your feelings through artwork.
- Spend some time focusing on something else, and come back later.
[Edit]Taking Action - Reach out to connect. As life gets busy, it is difficult to stay in touch with friends. When a conflict has occurred to push people apart, that connection becomes even harder to salvage. If you want to forgive someone, then take the first step in the process by reaching out. This act alone will help you to feel more open and optimistic.
- It is always difficult to take the first step, and sometimes you need to give yourself a push. Simply tell yourself, "Here we go," and pick up the phone and make contact.
- Ask to be heard. Whether you decide to set up a face-to-face meeting with the person, or communicate via telephone or electronic device, the goal is the same: ask the person for time to express your thoughts and feelings about the conflict.
- Assure the person that you are open and willing to hear what she has to say as well. This will allow the person to feel more open about the forthcoming discussion.
- If the person refuses to meet with you, do not despair. There are things you can do to move toward forgiveness regardless of whether the person complies. The act of forgiveness is designed to help you in the end. For example, use writing instead of direct contact to express your feelings and thoughts about the person. Writing in a journal helps to process your feelings and is effective.[1]
- Journaling can help reduce anxiety and stress, as it is a healthy outlet for confusing or overwhelming emotions.[2]
- Discuss the issue. Some discussions in life are harder to have than others. When a conflict has occurred and negative feelings have grown, it is difficult to start the conversation. The goal would be to frame the conversation and guide it toward a peaceful resolution to manage the hurt and disappointment you are feeling.[3]
- First, thank the person for meeting with you.
- Second, tell the person your goal is to hear each other's side of the story and come to some peaceful resolution so you both can move on.
- Third, tell your side of the story. Make "I" statements to describe your thoughts and feelings, without making accusations.
- Fourth, ask the person if there is anything else you can clarify for him before he provides the details of his side of the story.
- Fifth, ask the person questions that will give you the necessary information to understand his intent, motives, thoughts and feelings.
- Apologize for your own mistakes. Most every conflict involves a misunderstanding or misconception of what someone did or said. There are things that you must do to loosen the tension in the situation. Taking responsibility for your role is an act that fosters the open communication that you want, and is necessary to reach a resolution.[4]
- Accept the apology.[5] If you have discussed the situation and the person has extended a sincere apology, then accept it. Even if you have to force yourself to say the words, "I accept your apology," this is a large step toward creating a sense of forgiveness for yourself. Here are some examples of things you could say:
- "I accept your apology, and I forgive you."
- "I appreciate you saying that. Friends?"
- "Thank you for apologizing. I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you yet, but I will work on it. Please give me some time."
- Show your willingness to move on. If you must or want to maintain a relationship with this person, then your behaviors must demonstrate that you are serious. Your relationship will improve when you go through the process of forgiveness.[6] This includes not holding grudges and bringing up the past.[7] It also includes your willingness to laugh and be lighthearted around the person. Moving past a conflict is a huge relief. Let that motivate your actions toward being fair-minded and resolved.
- As time passes and progress is made, you may notice you are still allowing feelings of betrayal to affect the way you treat the person. Perhaps it happens during heated arguments or discussions. You may not have processed your hurt feelings and still have some work to do. This is a normal reaction and can be managed by talking about your feelings with the person involved, or someone else.
[Edit]Changing Your Thoughts and Emotions - Practice empathy and compassion.[8] Both empathy and compassion can be learned. As with any new skill, you need to practice. If you are able to treat people the way you would like to be treated, you are more than half-way there.
- Take the opportunity to practice compassion when out in public. If you see someone struggling getting into the doorway of a store, rush to open it. If you see someone that looks like she is having a bad day, smile and say hello. Your goal is to allow others to feel the impact of your good deeds.
- Expand your empathy by talking and, most importantly, listening to people outside your social circle. Try to strike up a conversation with a stranger once a week. Go beyond small talk and try to (respectfully) inquire about their lives and experiences. This will broaden your worldview and help you become more understanding of others.[9]
- Work on understanding the person's behavior. Fear, insecurities and an inability to communicate are the impetus of many hurtful behaviors. Some people don't understand why they act certain ways because they have not explored the deeper inner-workings of their own behavior. Try to see if you can understand where they are coming from.
- If you don't understand someone's behavior, you may be able to ask them why they acted the way they did. You could also talk to a trusted mentor, or even do a little research on why people act that way.
- Remember that even if you understand the person's reasons, that doesn't mean they have an excuse for acting badly.
- Keep in mind that you're not responsible for someone else's feelings or behavior. You can't make them become a better person. Sometimes, you need to be willing to tell yourself "here they go again" or "their attitude is not my problem."
- Question and adjust your perspective. You have probably been holding strong beliefs about a situation in which you were wronged by someone. Many times a person's perspective is askew and needs to return to a balanced state. It is important to keep things in perspective, especially if yours is causing you harm.
- Is this important? Will I care about it 6 months or 6 years from now?
- Is this worth my time?
- Could I be jumping to conclusions? Could there be circumstances I'm not aware of?
- Is this issue important to me, or should I just let it go?
- Are my feelings or behavior holding me back from better things?
- Try moving from resentment to gratitude. Over time, work on letting go of resentment, and looking for the upsides to the situation. Strong feelings are natural at first, but they can become toxic if you hold onto them forever. If you catch yourself falling into a trap of negativity, work on finding the good parts. This can help you reframe things and feel more positively about your life.[10] Here are some examples:
- "I'm glad that I've finally finished the semester, so I don't have to deal with that difficult professor again. She is not my problem anymore."
- "I'm thankful that my dad and my therapist are supporting me while I leave this abusive relationship."
- "I'm glad that my mom was willing to listen and take me seriously when I said her criticism was damaging our relationship. I hope this will the start of a positive change."
- "I'm so happy that I have another chance to find love after I left behind a bad relationship."
- "I'm glad that I get another chance with my boyfriend, and that he's making an effort to change his habits to treat me better. Things can become better than they were."
- "I don't regret cutting contact with my toxic father. I'm so much happier now that he's not part of my life."
- Make a list of the benefits of letting go of resentment. Think about how feelings of resentment might be shaping your life now, and how letting go could change things. Here are some things you might consider for the list:
- I can stop lying awake in bed, playing and replaying imaginary conversations in my head. Instead, I'll just sleep.
- I can stop feeling like a victim, and start feeling empowered to control my own life.
- I can say goodbye to a bad chapter of my life, and start focusing on creating a good one.
- I can focus less on this person's past mistakes, and focus more on rebuilding a stronger relationship.
- I can remember what happened without feeling helpless, and use the knowledge of what went wrong to help me spot and avoid similar problems in the future.
- Be patient with yourself. Especially if what happened was serious, then forgiveness might not be instantaneous. This is okay. Keep working on handling your feelings and taking care of yourself. Don't let other people, or any preconceived notions in your head, push you into doing something you aren't ready for. Try saying these to yourself, or to anyone who tries to pry:
- "I'm working on moving on, but I'm not there yet."
- "I need time to process."
- "I need time to work through my feelings. It's okay to take my time."
- "I'm allowed to feel hurt."
- "Forgiveness can't be rushed. It needs to happen in its own time."
- Engage in fun activities. You can learn to let go by rediscovering your playful side. When you play it allows you to be free from the negative thoughts you harbor about a conflict. Play and laughter can help you remain positive and optimistic through difficult situations.[11] Schedule time in your calendar at least once a week to play and have fun.
- Fly a kite
- Try messing around with a new art form
- Play with a pet
- Hang out with friends
- Play a board game with loved ones
- Do something that you always wanted to try when you were younger, but didn't get to
- Diffuse your anger. Remaining in a state of anger and upset is unhealthy. Processing feelings of anger through physical activity or artistic expression are good alternatives for reducing anger, stress and anxiety. Anger must be released to move you toward feeling forgiveness. Here are some ideas:[12]
- Exercise: run, hike, lift weights, etc.
- Express yourself through art
- Meditate
- Rip up paper from the recycling bin
- Throw ice cubes into a bathtub to smash them
- Draw an angry picture and rip it up
- Rebuild trust. When we let others into our lives we take a risk. Those same people can betray the trust that you have built together. An essential part of the forgiveness process is allowing someone to earn back your trust.
- Allow the person to show you they are reliable, truthful, and sincere. [13] Create opportunities for the person to show you. When you give a little, you may receive many positive rewards in return.
- For example, consider accepting the person's invitation to go to the movies. This allows the person the opportunity to show up on time, treat you with respect and have a good time. Without your willingness to accept the invitation, you would not be witness to their sincere efforts to earn your trust.
- Consider rebuilding trust in a way directly related to the harm done. For example, if they lied about where they went, have them check in by calling or texting so they can tell you where they are.
- Remember to acknowledge when someone is making an effort to earn your trust. Consider thanking them for any efforts they make.
- Appreciate the learning experiences. People and opportunities come into your life to teach you something. Each experience prepares us to be smarter and more in tune with what we want out of life. We learn from the good and the bad.
- "I learned that it's not always a good idea to give a loan to friends, because it can hurt the relationship."
- "I learned that not everyone is as careful with things as I am, so I should probably not lend treasured items to people who tend to break things."
- "I've learned to interview potential roommates, so I can make sure that our lifestyles are a decent match."
- "I learned to assume ignorance before malice. Sometimes people don't realize they're hurting my feelings."
- "I learned that I can count on my dad to have my back during a crisis."
- "I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was."
[Edit]Seeking Help - Find a therapist if you're struggling to cope. If you are having difficulty forgiving someone and it is impacting your life in a negative way, perhaps it is time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist. Therapies intended to promote forgiveness have been successful in helping people overcome past hurts and achieve peace and resolution.[14]
- Obtain a referral or suggestion from your physician, health insurance company, or a trusted family member or friend. However, if that is not feasible, contact your local department of mental health about counseling options.
- If you feel you and your therapist are not a good fit, look for a different therapist. Every therapist is different and finding one with whom you feel comfortable is essential.
- Try a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy.[15] Your therapist will help examine and dispel the negative thought patterns that you have developed.
- Consider spiritual counseling. Many people find comfort in seeking help from spiritual leaders who can guide them toward forgiveness. The power of prayer has been successful toward healing and alleviating feelings of guilt and shame, which are motivators for people seeking forgiveness for various reason.[16]
- Set therapeutic goals for yourself. Commit to changing your behavior. In both psychotherapy and physical therapy, you will benefit from setting goals.[17] Engage in the process by allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable. Don't abandon the process just because it gets difficult. Your hard work will pay off and leave you with a healthy sense of accomplishment.
- Identify your objectives. For example, would you like to feel more at peace toward a family member who betrayed you? Tell the therapist that this is one of your goals.
- Reward yourself when you reach your goal. Your motivation will increase if you reward your accomplishments.[18]
- Adjust your objectives rather than give up.
- Continue to make new goals as it will keep you engaged in life.
- Enhance your support system. Surround yourself with people who care about you. This includes family, friends, and co-workers. Branch out and meet new people to expand your circle of support. You have learned so much through the therapeutic process that you feel resourceful and confident. A good support system will help you reduce stress and may even boost your immune system.[19]
- Exploring your interests may lead to joining groups that allow you to meet new people, and experience new situations.
- Forgive and accept yourself. Personal struggles can leave you feeling bad about yourself. You may feel guilty for not taking care of yourself in a situation or you unfairly blame yourself for what happened. You can learn to manage feelings of guilt and shame rather than try to eliminate them.
- If you have chosen to participate in cognitive behavior therapy, it will help you examine your thoughts and develop new more effective ways of thinking about yourself.[20]
- Sometimes it helps to think of how others have forgiven under incredible circumstances. Ask friends for support and examples to motivate you toward forgiveness.
- Studies have shown that forgiveness depends upon whether a person believes they must have an interaction with the offender. [21] You can decide if that is necessary for you to achieve forgiveness.
- It is never too late, if you are willing, to seek professional help for your issues. Change is not easy, but it is possible if you are willing to put in the effort and find ways of coping with your challenges.[22]
- Licensed therapists are trained to help others learn to manage the struggles that are impacting their lives.
- Being honest and sincere when apologizing increases the chances that a person will be forgiven.
- If you served in military combat and witnessed acts that were not in line with your morals, you will benefit from gaining the skill of self-forgiveness through therapeutic interventions.[23]
- Put your best mental energies (perhaps first thing in the morning) into visualizing the new life you want. See yourself in the future as free of this pain and suffering.
- Remember you're not perfect either, and empathise with why the person might have done what he did
[Edit]Warnings - Certain mental illnesses hinder a person's capacity to forgive. A psychopath may never experience shame or guilt for an offense, which are two factors that motivate forgiveness.
- Unconditional forgiveness is not predicated on any act or request from the offender. The act of forgiveness is intended to free you from the rage, depression, and despair that nursing a grievance causes.
- Forgiveness is hard, but living with a grudge is even harder. Keeping grudges bottled up can be very dangerous, and can hurt people in ways you might not have imagined.
[Edit]Related wikiHows [Edit]References [Edit]Quick Summary |
| How to Budget Your Money Posted: 01 Jan 2020 08:00 AM PST A budget could help you crush your outstanding debt, take charge of your financial future and even become a happier, more relaxed person. Depending on your circumstances, a proper budget may not require that you spend less. Instead, you may simply have to make more effective financial decisions. [Edit]Budgeting Help [Edit]Tracking Your Income and Expenses - Gather what you need to start tracking your spending history. Collect past bills, bank and credit card statements, and receipts that can allow you to put together an accurate estimate of how much money you spend every month.
- Consider using software to help you budget. Personal finance software is quickly becoming the new trend in finance. These programs have built-in budget making tools that can help customize your budget, along with analytics that help you project cash-flow into the future and better understand your spending habits. Some popular personal finance software include:
- Mint
- Quicken
- AceMoney
- BudgetPulse
- Create a spreadsheet. If you choose not to use a budgeting software, you can determine your own budget by using a simple spreadsheet. Your goal is to chart all your expenses and income during the course of a year, so make a spreadsheet that shows all your information clearly, allowing you to quickly identify any areas where you can spend smarter.[1]
- Label the row of cells across the top (starting with cell B1) with the 12 months of the year.
- Create a column of expenses and revenues in column A. You can list either revenues or expenses first, but try to group expenses together and revenues together to avoid confusion.
- You may want to group expense together with category headings. For example, you might have a category of "utilities" that includes your electric, gas, water, and telephone bills.
- Decide whether you want to include items that are deducted directly from your paycheck such as insurance, retirement savings, or taxes. If you do not include them on your spreadsheet, be sure that you list your net (post-deduction) income rather than your gross (total, pre-deduction) income under the "revenue" section.
- Document your historical budget data for the last 12 months. Add all of your expenses and revenues for the past 12 months, using data from your bank and credit card statements to provide an accurate representation of all of your revenues and expenses.
- Determine your overall monthly revenue history. Are you on a fixed salary where you know for certain how much you're taking home each week? Are you a freelancer whose salary varies each month? Documenting a year's history can help you get an accurate view of your average monthly revenue. [2]
- If you are an independent contractor or freelancer, keep in mind what you bring home is not the same thing as what you earn. For example, you may bring home $2,500 every month, but that's pre-tax. Figure out how much you're likely to need to pay in taxes and subtract that from your monthly income to arrive at a more accurate number.
- If you are a salaried employee, don't factor in a possible tax refund into your overall income. Your monthly income should reflect only what you bring home after taxes. If you do get a tax refund, you'll get to do with it as you please; if you don't, you won't need to worry about it.
- List all of your monthly expenses on the spreadsheet. What are the bills that you have to pay every month? How much do you spend every week on groceries and gasoline? Do you go out to dinner with friends every Friday night or to the movies once a week? How much money do you spend on shopping? Tracking a year of actual spending will help you develop an accurate view of your spending habits, since most people underestimate the amount they believe they spend every month.[3]
- Analyze your revenue and expenses. If your expenses are greater than your revenue, you are living way beyond your means. Your budget should be divided into two groups:
- Fixed Expenses. These include regular monthly expenses such as bills, insurance, loan debts, food, and necessary shopping items like clothing and household products.
- Discretionary Expenses. Discretionary expenses are unfixed expenses that may be "optional." Items that fall into this category include savings, entertainment, vacation funds, and other luxuries.
[Edit]Creating Your Budget - Create a preliminary budget. The history established in Part 1 will help you create an accurate preliminary budget. You should calculate your fixed expenses and revenue, then decide how you want to spend your discretionary money.
- To calculate fixed expenses, take an average for each month over the past year, then add about 5%. For example, if your power bill varies seasonally but averages to $210 per month, you should estimate the bill at $220 per month.
- Be sure to account for changes to fixed expenses, such as paying off a student loan or adding a payment for a new car.
- Set goals for the bulk of your discretionary spending. Now that you have determined how much discretionary money you should have leftover every month, decide how you want to spend that money. Your goal should be clear, explicit, and actionable. Some short-term goals may be:
- Save $8,000 in an emergency savings fund
- Put 5% of each paycheck in a savings account
- Pay off credit card balances in 12 months
- Save $6,000 for an anniversary vacation
- Maximize tax advantages. There are ways of saving money that can offer tax benefits. If you put money directly from your paycheck into a 401(K) or personal IRA, the money can be deducted prior to being subject to taxes. Some companies even offer partial matching for retirement contributions, which can make your savings go even further.
- Budget out the rest of your discretionary spending. This part of your budget is all about identifying values. What values do you have and how do you want to spend your money to realize them? Money, after all, is a means to an end, not an end in itself.
- What sort of a person are you, and what do you like to do? Many people end up spending money on hobbies, interests, or charities. Think of this as investing in an experience or feeling of satisfaction.
- Think about what makes you really happy. A popular theory is people who spend money on experiences are actually happier than people who spend money on possessions.[4]
- Consider setting aside more money for travel and vacation.
[Edit]Becoming a Budget Pro - Stick to your budget and don't overspend. This is the first rule of budgeting, and pretty much the only one. It sounds fairly obvious, but it's easy to go over budget, even when you have one in place. Be mindful of your spending habits and what your money is going towards.[5]
- Try to reduce your expenses. Larger expenses can be the most unpleasant but most effective ways to stay within a budget. If you take an annual vacation, consider staying home this year. Smaller expenses can also add up.
- Try to identify and cut back on any expensive luxuries you enjoy. If you enjoy a weekly massage or have a preference for expensive wine, cut down on the frequency of these treats so you're spending money on them only once a month or once every second month.
- Save money on smaller expenses by switching to generic brands and eating home more often. Try not to go out to eat more than one or two times every week.[6]
- See if you can reduce any of your fixed expenses by switching to a less expensive cell phone plan, reducing your television package, or improving your home's energy efficiency.
- Treat yourself periodically, but within reason. Your money has to work for you, not the other way around. You don't want to feel like a slave to your budget, or to money in general, so it's important to allow yourself a small treat every month that won't break your budget.
- Don't abuse your own rewards system to the point where it gets counterproductive and ends up affecting your budget. The idea is to treat yourself to smaller, cheaper items like a latte or a new shirt and to avoid splurging on more expensive items like a vacation or a pricey pair of shoes.
- Pay off credit card balances every month. If you use credit cards, you should try to keep them at a zero balance every month to avoid costly fees. If you cannot pay off the current balances, prioritize paying them off within a reasonable time period so that you can get to zero balances.
- Try switching to cash payments for most weekly purchases—particularly "extras" like eating out or coffee shop lattes. This can help you control your spending, as people are more aware of the money they're spending when using cash than when swiping a card.
- Cut your taxes. Take better advantage of itemized deductions when you file your taxes every year.
- Start keeping your receipts, especially if you're an independent contractor and work from home or remotely. There are many amenities you can expense as part of your contract work when doing your taxes.[7]
- It's a good idea to research ways to get a better tax refund as a contractor or ask your accountant how you can get a better refund.
- Appeal your home assessment. If you're a homeowner and have sufficient evidence, you might be able to cut your real estate taxes by challenging the value that a home assessor puts on your property.
- Don't count on windfalls. Don't factor in potential (unsure) sources of revenue, such as year-end bonuses, inheritances, or tax refunds. You only want to include guaranteed money in your budget.
- Save your loose change in a jar and then take it into the bank to be rolled. You'll be surprised how your small change can add up.[8]
- Avoid debt in the form of high-interest credit cards and payday loans, as they will incur high interest and end up costing you quite a bit of money, especially if you will struggle to pay off your bill on time, every month.[9]
[Edit]Related wikiHows [Edit]References [Edit]Quick Summary |
| How to Set Goals and Achieve Them Posted: 01 Jan 2020 12:00 AM PST Few things are better in this world than setting a goal and achieving it. Just like when athletes experience a type of "runner's high" after a race, so too does completing any goal produce a sense of elation and pride. This article explores many ways of setting and pursuing goals. Goals won't just complete themselves. You need to be regimented in your pursuit of them. Get started. Keep going. Achieve your aspirations. [Edit]Formulating Your Goals - Decide what you really want to achieve. Don't be concerned about what others want for you. Make your goals for yourself. Studies show that when your goals are personally meaningful, you're more likely to achieve them.[1]
- Oftentimes, this is the hardest part of the goal-making and fulfilling process. What do you want? The answer to this is often a mixture of intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. Buzz phrases like "stay true to yourself" clash with familial and work obligations. Find goals that promote a balance in your life - goals that make you happy and benefit your loved ones and others that depend on you.
- Consider asking yourself some questions, such as "What do I want to offer my family/community/world?" or "How do I want to grow?" These questions can help you determine the direction to take.[2]
- It's okay if your ideas are fairly broad at this point. You'll narrow them down next.
- Prioritize. Once you have an idea of what you really want to achieve, you need to prioritize these areas. Trying to work on every area of your life at once can leave you overwhelmed and unable to achieve any of your goals.[3]
- Split your goals into three areas: first, second, and third tier. The first-tier goals are the most important to you, and they may come more naturally. The second and third tier goals are not as important. They may also be more limited or specific.
- For example, first tier goals could be "improve my health" or "spend more time with my family." Second tier goals could be "keep my room clean, learn to surf" and third tier goals could be "learn to knit, do laundry more regularly."
- Set specific goals. Be specific and realistic about what it is that you want to achieve. Research shows that setting a specific goal makes you more likely to achieve it and can even make you feel happier in general. Be as specific and detailed as possible, remembering that you may need to break large goals into smaller sub-goals.[4]
 - Ask yourself some questions about your goals. What do you need to do to achieve them? Who will need to assist you? When will each stage of your goal need to be accomplished?
- For example, "Be healthier" is too big and vague to be a helpful goal. "Eat better and exercise more" is better, but it's still not detailed or specific.
- "Eat 3 servings of fruit and vegetables a day and exercise 3 times a week" is specific and concrete, making it much easier to achieve.
- You also need to build the scaffolding for how you will achieve these goals. For example, to achieve your fruit and veg goals, will you bring healthy snacks along to work? Choose a fruit cup instead of fries the next time you eat out? For exercising, will you work out at the gym or go for walks in your neighborhood? Think about the individual actions you need to take to "add up" to your overall goal.
- If you have multiple stages for your goals, when does each need to be accomplished? For example, if you're training for a marathon, you need to have an idea of how long each stage of training will take you.
- Be realistic. Setting the concrete, specific goal of "Buy a 3-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side" won't help you if your budget is more "Studio apartment in Brooklyn." Keep your goals grounded in reality. It's okay to have aspirational goals, but you need to know exactly what to do to get you there.
- For example, if your ultimate goal is to buy a big house in the country, you will need multiple sub-goals to accomplish this. You'll need to save up money, build your credit, even possibly increase your income. Write out each of these sub-goals, along with the steps to take for each.
- Write out your goals. Be detailed, be clear, and include your deadlines. Writing them down tends to make them feel a little more real. Keep your list in a place where you can reference them frequently. This will help keep you motivated.[5]
- Word your goals positively. You're much more likely to achieve your goals when they are worded in positive ways, such as "Eat more fruits and vegetables" instead of "Stop eating junk food." another example of this is "Exercise more often" instead of "Sit around less".[6]
- Make sure your goal is measurable. How will you know when you've completed a goal? If your goal is to move to a new house, you'll know based on when you sign on the dotted line of your new lease or title papers. Other goals aren't measurable at first glance. If your goal is to become a better singer, then how will you know when you've reached it? Set measurable goals instead.[7]
- For example, you could memorize and "perfect" a single song. Learn to play an instrument while singing. Hit a new note. Measurable goals give you a sense of completion when you've finished them as you work towards a larger goal.[8]
- Brainstorm ways of attaining your goals. Are there different ways to reach your goal? Write everything down that you can think of in three minutes, no matter how silly or impossible it may seem. If your goal is to get in shape, you might try joining a gym, eating differently, adjusting your daily schedule to incorporate more walks, riding a bike to work and back, making your own meals rather than eating a fast food joints regularly, or even taking the stairs rather than the elevator. There are often multiple routes to the same destination. Think about your goal as a final destination. What route or routes can you take?
- Keep your goals grounded in what you can achieve. Remember that you can only control your own actions, not anyone else's. "Become a rock star" is not really a feasible goal because it relies on others' actions and responses that you can't control. However, "form a band and practice our music until we're excellent musicians" is a goal that your own work can achieve.[9]
- Focusing on your own actions can help you face setbacks, too, because you will recognize that you can't control the roadblocks you may encounter.
- Remember that goals can also be processes. For example, "become a senator" relies too much on others' actions, which you can't control. If you don't become a senator, you're likely to consider your goal as a failure even if you did your best. "Run for public office" is a goal that you can consider achieved, even if you don't win the election, because you went through the whole process to the best of your ability.
- Create a realistic schedule. Your deadline doesn't have to be exact, but it should be your best guess. Your deadlines must be realistic based on your goals. If you're a part-time worker making minimum wage, don't make your goal to have earned a million dollars by the end of the year. Give yourself enough time to accomplish what you've set out to do.[10]
 - Set a deadline. We all procrastinate. It almost seems like a natural human quality, but when a deadline is approaching, you'll work harder to obtain your goal. Think about being in school. When a test was coming up, you knew you needed to study, and you did. Setting goals for yourself should work the same way too.[11]
- Remember that some goals will take more time to achieve than others. "Eat more fruits and vegetables" can be achieved very quickly. "Become more physically fit" will take much more time and effort. Set your timelines accordingly.[12]
- Take external deadlines and timelines into consideration. For example, if your goal is "Find for a new job," make sure to include any application deadlines that your prospective employers have.
- Set up a rewards system. Humans respond well to reward systems. Whenever you accomplish part of your goal, however small your progress, give yourself a little reward. For example, if your goal is to practice your music more regularly, allow yourself a half-hour with a comic book or your favorite TV program once your daily practice is finished.
- Stay away from punishing yourself if you don't meet your goals. Punishing yourself or beating yourself up about not accomplishing something can actually hold you back from accomplishment.
- Identify possible obstacles. Nobody really wants to think about what could go wrong when they're planning for success. However, identifying potential obstacles and how you'll deal with them is crucial to achieving your goals. If you don't, you won't have a game-plan when challenges inevitably present themselves.[13]
 - Obstacles can be external. For example, if your goal is to open your own auto shop, you might not have the money to buy your own shop at first. If your goal is to open your bakery, you might not also have the time to spend with your family that you want.
- Identify actions you can take to overcome these potential obstacles. For example, you could apply for a business loan, write a business plan to attract investors, or partner with a friend to go into business together.
- Obstacles can also be internal. For example, a lack of information can be an obstacle, especially in more complex goals. Emotions such as fear and uncertainty can also be internal obstacles.
- Actions you could take to address a lack of information could include reading up on the subject, asking a mentor for advice, practicing, or taking classes.
- Acknowledge your limitations. For example, if the obstacle is that you don't have enough time to focus on setting up your business and spending the quality time with your family that you desire, there may not be a way to resolve that tension. However, you can talk with your family to let them know that the situation is only temporary.
- Tell people about your goals. Some people shy away from letting others in on their life goals. They fear that if they fail, they'll be ashamed. Don't think of it this way. Think of it as allowing yourself to be vulnerable, without which you can't connect with others or grow personally.[14] Others can help you reach your goals, can offer physical assistance, or just give you the necessary moral support.
- Others may not react as enthusiastically to your goals as you hope. What is important to you may not be as important to others. Recognize that there is a difference between constructive feedback and mean-spirited commentary. Listen to what they have to say, but in the long run, you'll have to decide how important your goal is to you.[15]
- You may also encounter others who do not support your goals. Remember that you're working on your goals for you, not for anyone else. If you constantly meet with negativity from someone about your goals, express that you do not enjoy feeling judged or unsupported. Ask the person to refrain from judging you.
- Find a community of like-minded people. Chances are you aren't the only one with this goal. Find others who have the same aims. You can get started together and benefit from each other's knowledge and experiences. When you've reached your goal, you'll also have someone to celebrate with.
- Go online, utilize social media, and visit local places that cater to your goals. In our digital age, there are many ways of connecting, staying connected, and forming a community.
[Edit]Getting Started - Start working toward your goals today. One of the hardest steps to achieving your goals is taking that first step. Begin immediately. Even if you don't know what your exact course of action is going to be yet, just go with your gut. Do something that is geared towards your goals. When you complete that step, recognize that you are on your way.[16] You're more likely to continue working on your goal if you can feel a sense of immediate progress.[17]
- For example, if your goal is "Eat healthier," go grocery shopping to buy fresh fruit and vegetables. Clear out your pantry of junk food. Go online and look for healthy recipes. These are small actions that are easily accomplished, but they can add up fast.
- If you want to learn any new skill, you have to start practising. Strum a guitar and practice basic chords, if you want to become an excellent musician. Start reading self-help books designed to help beginners develop new skills. No matter what your goal is, there is a way that you can start immediately.
- Follow your plan of action. If you followed the steps presented earlier, you should have a good idea of what steps you need to take to achieve your goal. Now is the time to put them into action.[18]
- For example, if your goal is to buy that three-bedroom house, go to real estate websites and look around for houses that meet (or are close to) the criteria of what you want. Determine your budget and how much of a down payment you'll need. Set up a savings account for a down payment and start saving. Build your credit by paying bills responsibly and managing credit lines.
- Visualize achieving your goal. Research has shown that visualization can help improve your performance.[19] There are two forms of visualization: outcome visualization and process visualization. To meet your goals, combine the two.[20]
- For outcome visualization, imagine yourself accomplishing your goals. Make this visualization as concrete and detailed as possible. How good does it feel? Who is there to congratulate you? Do you feel proud? Happy?
- For process visualization, imagine the steps that you must take to achieve your goal. For example, if your goal is to become a small business owner, imagine each action you take to achieve that goal. Imagine yourself creating a business plan, applying for a small business loan, pitching to investors, etc.
- Process visualization helps your brain "encode prospective memories." Psychologists say that this process can help you feel like you can accomplish your goals because your brain already feels some of the success from them.[21]
- Keep a list. Review your goals daily. Read over your goals at least once a day. Read your goals when you get up in the morning and before you go to bed at night. Reflect on what you have done each day to work towards them.
- When you've completed a goal on your list, don't scratch it out entirely. Instead, move it to another list, this one for "accomplished goals." Sometimes, we focus on what we haven't achieved and forget about all the goals we've met. Keep the list of accomplishments around as well. It will be a good source of motivation.
- Ask for guidance. Find a mentor or someone who has achieved your goal to give you advice. They'll have insight into ways that you can achieve your goal or things to avoid if you want to succeed. Listen to them carefully. Consult them regularly.
- Just like in school, you wouldn't necessarily choose to teach yourself advanced mathematics. It is far easier if you have a teacher — someone who knows the "formulas" to success — to help you along the way, to explain ways of overcoming obstacles, and to celebrate with once you've succeeded. A good mentor will be just as proud of you for achieving your goal as you'll be of yourself.
[Edit]Handling the Journey - Recognize "false hope syndrome." False hope syndrome is probably already familiar to you if you've ever set a New Year's resolution. Psychologists describe this syndrome in three parts that make up a cycle: 1) setting the goal, 2) feeling surprised by its difficulty, 3) giving up on the goal.[22]
- False hope syndrome often happens when you expect immediate results from your actions. For example, you might set a goal of "Become more physically fit" and then get discouraged when you've been working out for two weeks without noticeable changes. Just remember that some goals do take time and setting up clear stages and timeframes can help combat unrealistic expectations.
- This syndrome can also happen when the initial "rush" of the goal wears off. For example, the goal "Learn to play the guitar" is really exciting for a little while, as you buy a new instrument, learn a few chords, etc. However, when the real work of daily practice, calluses, and chord progressions sets in, you may lose momentum. Setting small goals and celebrating small successes can help you keep your momentum going.
- View challenges as learning experiences. Several studies have shown that people who treat setbacks as learning experiences are more likely to feel positive about their ability to achieve their goals.[23] If you view challenges, setbacks, or even your own mistakes as "failures" and beat yourself up for them, you'll be focusing on the past instead of looking toward the future.
- Research has shown that people who accomplish their goals don't usually have fewer setbacks than people who give up on their goals. The difference is in how you envision the setbacks. Can you learn from what went wrong to do something differently next time?[24]
- The drive for perfectionism can also hold you back from acknowledging mistakes as sources of growth. When you hold yourself to impossible standards of performance, you're actually more likely to feel like your goals can't be achieved.[25][26]
- Instead, be compassionate with yourself.[27] Remind yourself that you are human, and that all humans make mistakes and experience challenges. [28]
- Studies have shown that positive thinking is effective at helping people learn and adapt than focusing on your mistakes or flaws. Next time you find yourself beating yourself up over a perceived failure, remind yourself that you can learn from every experience, no matter how unpleasant it is in the moment.[29]
- Acknowledge every victory. So much of achieving goals is a matter of perception. Celebrate small wins. If your goal is to make straight A's and you do well on an exam, celebrate it. If you goal is to become a lawyer, celebrate every hoop you successfully jump through, such as getting into law school, doing well in a course, passing the bar, and finally getting a job.[30]
- Celebrate benchmarks or milestones. Some goals will take years if not longer to accomplish. Recognize and celebrate the amount of time that you've spent doing something. Practice takes time and effort. Recognize and be proud of the amount of time you've put into something.[31]
- Celebrate the smallest accomplishments, too. For example, if your goal is "Eat healthier" and you're able to say "no thanks" to that greasy but delicious slice of pizza, pat yourself on the back for your willpower.
- Stay passionate. Whatever your goal is, it is a goal for a reason. It is something that you want for yourself in the future. Let that passion and drive show. Reminding yourself about what you are working towards can help you get through momentary difficulty or unpleasantness.[32] Sometimes, the best destinations force you to take the roughest trails.
- Revise your goals if necessary. Life is filled with lemons that don't make very good lemonade. Sometimes, unexpected things happen that will affect your plans. Don't be afraid to recalibrate, think of new plans, set new goals, and in some cases reject old goals that you might not care about any more.
- Setbacks are natural. They shouldn't automatically deter you from your ultimate goals. Recognize why you are facing a setback. Is it something you can control or not? Move forward accordingly.[33]
- Consider new opportunities. Some of the best things in life aren't planned. Say yes to new opportunities if they help further your own goals or present new, better goals.
- Persevere. Keep track of the small successes you accomplish. Achieving these smaller tasks will help you build your self-confidence, because you'll know that you're capable of achieving things you set out to do. Remind yourself of your past successes when you find yourself struggling.[34]
- Remember that setbacks don't mean failure. Author J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter novels were rejected twelve times in a row before a publisher agreed to take a chance on them.[35] Inventor Thomas Edison's schoolteachers told him he was "too stupid to learn anything."[36] Oprah was fired from her first television job and told she was "unfit for TV."[37]
- Sometimes it's that negative feedback from others that fuels our drive to be successful at our goals and dreams.
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